Opening Song
(The Muppets Theme)It's time to put on make-up It's time to light the lights It's time to raise the curtain On the FASS show tonight. This year the script's all written - WOW! This year the work's all done - Uh-Huh This year the songs are easy So we're out to have some fun. The folks have paid their money The lights are going down The ushers block the doors As the treasurer blows town. Let's knock up all the sets now Let's knock up all the cast Let's take it from the bottom And take the money fast. Can't say we didn't warn you. Can't say the time's not right. Can't say it isn't worth it On the FASS show tonight!!!!!! [ Top ] [ Index ]
Sergeant Friday's Cement Galoshes Gang
(Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band)It was twenty years ago today Prohibition in the U.S.A. Gave all the gangs their winning style And the morals of a crocodile So let us entertain for you, The Thugs you've known for all these years Sergeant Friday's Cement Galoshes Gang!!! We're Sergeant Friday's Cement Galoshes Gang We hope you will enjoy the show Sergeant Friday's Intransigent Cement Galoshes Gang We hope that you have lots of dough Sergeant Friday's Cement, Sergeant Friday's Cement Sergeant Friday's Cement Galoshes Gang. It's wonderful to be here, it's certainly a gas We hope you play the tables And we hope you lose your ass...ets We're Sergeant Friday's Cement Galoshes Gang We rape and steal and loot and kill We're Sergeant Friday's Cement Galoshes Gang Our good points...are practically nil; Sergeant Friday's Cement, Sergeant Friday's Cement, Sergeant Friday's Cement Galoshes Gaaaaannnnnngggggg!!!! [ Top ] [ Index ]
Shine On Harvest Moon
(Every Disco Song In The World)Shine on, Shine on, Shine on harvest moon, (Up in the sky) Shine on, Shine on harvest moon (For me and my gal) I ain't had no lovin' (He ain't had no lovin') I ain't had no lovin' Since January February June or July (Come on baby and shine on) Ahh, shine on, shine on, shine on, Shine on, shine on tonight Harvest Moon (dooo, dooo) Get up and Shine on, get up and shine on Shine shine shine; shine shine shine, Shine on Moonie, Shine on Moonie, Shine on, shine on, shine on Harvest Moon Ain't no, ain't no, ain't no time to spoon (Or knife and fork) Shine on, shine on Harvest Moon Shine on (STAR WARS) Harvest moon.... Shine shine shine shine shine shine shine Harvest Moon. [ Top ] [ Index ]
Get Down Funky Mama
(Something Barbershoppish)I had a teddy bear His name was Funky Wunky. But one day Mama, you put him away, You said he was too junky. I saw him in the closet As high as he could be Oh Mama, I miss Funky Please get him down for me, me, meeeeee (Get him down for me) Oh get down Funky, Mama From that high old, high old shelf, Please get down Funky, Mama Or I'll try to do it myself. I climbed a rocking chair The hall door open wide I'd get down Funky myself Mama So I'd be satisfied. I knew that I could do it Could do it, do it, do it, Yes, do it, do it, do it, Till I was satisfied.... (Oh so very very satisfied) CHORUS [ Top ] [ Index ]
I Love Rolling In The Scum
(I Love Little Baby Ducks)I love rolling in the scum Staring at the sun Burning out my eyes And flies. I love eating ciggie butts Puking up my guts Punching out my mom And bombs. But I sure hate you. I love wearing bits of junk Being called a punk Slashing up my wrists And fists. I love eating squirmy frogs, Maiming puppy dogs, Hitting folks with eggs And Plagues. But I sure hate you. I love telling awful puns Making fun of nuns Pounding out the pope And dope. I love setting fire to cats Squashing ladies' hats Looking really sleazy And cheesies. But I sure hate you. [ Top ] [ Index ]
Tights And White Satin
(Nights In White Satin)Tights and White Satin Never seeming to yield Twirling my baton Playing the field Beauties I envy Because I'm a bore Just what my gender is I can't say anymore.... 'Cause I'm ugly.... Yes I'm ugly, Oh how I'm ugly..... [ Top ] [ Index ]
Danielle Boomboom
(Daniel Boone)Danielle Boomboom was a man, But a cute man, With a face like a beagle And a nose like a fountain was he. From the coonskin wig On the top of old Dan To the tip of his high-heeled shoes He's the bounciest, flounciest, Jounciest man, The casino ever knew... [ Top ] [ Index ]
I'm A Great Big Centipede
(Nothing Could Be Finer)I'm a great big centipede And I'm about to have a feed In Oshawa Stomping down the 401 To Oshawa to have some fun Name's Joshua I'll tromp all over GM And then I'll do it again I'll knock down all the steeples And I'll pulverise the people There in Oshawa. [ Top ] [ Index ]
Who's Afraid Of A Little Beer
(Who's Afraid Of The Big Bad Wolf)Who's afraid of a little beer A little beer, a little beer I'm as good as an engineer An engineer or worse The studio's filling quickly But I don't care no more 'cause this will make it easy I can drink it off the floor I think I must be German I can really hold my beer I'm certain that I'm German Or else an engineer I know it's not October But this could be handled best If we play like it's October And hold Oktoberfest There's going to be a flood soon That'll make a sticky mess We all may end up drowned then But we'll die in happiness I tried to warn him early But he wouldn't listen to me It's too late to escape now But at least the beer is free CHORUS [ Top ] [ Index ]
Scarborough Fair/Debacle
(Scarborough Fair/Canticle)OBI: Do you want to do it or not? You had best respond with a yes Remember we don't tolerate failure Louse this up, and You'll be a mess. NUN: We've decided to give you a job RIC: (There won't be a foul-up) NUN: Do it right, and you will be praised RIC: (I'll free them then lead them to Acme's back room) NUN: But do it wrong, and Babe it's so long RIC: (There their two necromancers Will drag from them some answers) NUN: Down so low, you'll never be raised. RIC: (Give us the info on their expose) N&O: Leave us now, and follow the plan R&B: (Yes sir boss, sure thing boss, right boss) N&O: Do it fast, we haven't much thyme R&B: (Yes sir boss, sure thing the mission's accomplished before it's begun) N&O: Just free the two, you know what to do R&B: (We'll free the two, yes we know just exactly, we know just what to do ...) N&O: Else this job will be your last crime R&B: (Breakouts from prison are oodles of fun) [ Top ] [ Index ]
You Mess Up My Life
(You Light Up My Life)ROCKO: Just when I think everything's rosy, `You come along and screw up the works. CHUCK: Time after time, I go off on a mission, Only to find, that you got there first. BOTH: Oh, you mess up my life, You make me want to call it quits. You are a blight, And fill my nights with fits. ROCKO: Thinking of you, always butt-ing in, is almost enough to make me choke. CHUCK: Rage overcomes me, and I blow my cool, You make me want to give you a poke. BOTH: Oh, you mess up my life, You make me want to call it quits. You are a blight, And fill my nights with fits. Yes, you mess up my life, You make me want to call it quits. You are a blight, And fill my nights with fits. It can't be right when it feels so wrong, Cause, you___ You mess up my life. [ Top ] [ Index ]
Answer-The-Door Song
(Toreador Song)STAN: Answer the door, Beauregard! Answer the door, Answer the door. BEAU: I'm coming, hold your horses, I implore! Please don't break down the door! I'm trying to open it, just wait a bit; I'm trying to o-pen it. [ Top ] [ Index ]
Mozzarella Rockefeller
(Cinderella Rockefeller)MOTT: Mozzarella, Mozzarella is my name. BEAU: Pleased to meet ya, Mozzarella. MOTT: Have a crack at interrogatin' this dame. BEAU: Sure thing fella, Mozzarella. MOTT: My name's Mozzarella. BEAU: Pleased to meet ya, fella. BOTH: Oh, o-o-oh. MOTT: I gotta split, Back in a bit, I gotta split. [ Top ] [ Index ]
Who's Knocking?
(Barnacle Bill)STAN: Who's that knocking at my door? Who's that knocking at my door? Who's that knocking at my door? (MADEIRA TEARS OPEN THE DOOR, ABRUPTLY ENDING THE SONG. NO GREAT LOSS.) [ Top ] [ Index ]
Interrogation Song
(Typewriter Song)BEAU: We've - got - sev'ral little questions that we'd like to ask of you, Sev'ral questions that we'd like some answers for. STAN: Your cooperation's needed, we'll make sure you're not mistreated; Information's what we want and nothing more. BEAU: If you're not exactly willing, we've got ways, bizarre and thrilling Of convincing you with methods you'll deplore: STAN: First we'll hit you and we'll beat you Then we'll smash you and mistreat you Then we'll fight you and defeat you We'll ignite you and we'll cheat you We will shake your hands and greet you Then we'll rape you and we'll eat you - You won't like it much, of that I'm very sure. [ Top ] [ Index ]
Waiting For Godot
(America)STAN: Pass me a torniquet; (PRONOUNCED "TUR-NI-KET") I think there's one on the table. BEAU: Can't find a thing, could we do it with string? STAN: This kid's got no vessels. BEAU: His arm is a mess. BOTH: And we're Searching in vain for an artery. Searching in vain for an artery. [ Top ] [ Index ]
I'll Beat Up Your Wife
(You Light Up My Life)BEAU: So many times we've asked you to help us, Giving you questions whose answers we lack. STAN: So many threats we haven't tried using; We've been holding back, now it's time to attack. BEAU: And we'll beat up your wife. STAN: we'll make her wish she'd never been born. BEAU: We'll louse up her days And fill her nights BOTH: With pain. [ Top ] [ Index ]
Nail And Tooth
(Heart And Soul)Nail and tooth, We fought to finish it Nail and tooth, You won't diminish it. Never Will we confide in you. [ Top ] [ Index ]
Play It Again
(Sam)Nail and tooth, That's what the lady said. Vile and ruth- less villains we won't dread Ever. We'll not reveal a word. [ Top ] [ Index ]
Dynamite
(Silhouettes)BEAU: We'll take a walk around your house BOTH: Late some night. BEAU: Keeping quiet as a mouse. BOTH: Out of sight. BEAU: While you're sleeping we will plant Some dynamite at your door. STAN: Terribly messy. BEAU: Dynamite STAN: Dynamite BOTH: At your door. BEAU: We will ring the bell and then BOTH: Run and hide. BEAU: You'll come down and pull your door BOTH: Open wide. BEAU: Than we'll detonate and you'll Be splattered across your door. STAN: Terribly messy. BEAU: Splattered a- STAN: Splattered a- BOTH: Cross your door. BEAU: Splattered a- STAN: Splattered a- BEAU: Splattered a- STAN: Splattered a- BEAU: Splattered a- STAN: Splattered a- BOTH: Cross your door. STAN: Terribly messy. BOTH: Splattered across your door. LOTUS: We aren't scared, we feel no fear. BEAU: We've got threats to last a year. JIMMY: You can't hurt us. STAN: Yes, we S & B: Ca - a - a - an! [ Top ] [ Index ]
Logoff
(Little Darlin')STAN: Boom,boom,boom,boom she ronna-ronna (etc) BEAU: When-a, When-a are-a you-a, Gonna tell-a All-a you-a can? If-a you-a wait-a Too-a much-a longer I'll become A vis-a-cious-a man. STAN: A-oo-a-oo-a-oo-a BEAU: You'll-a find-a That-a my-a partner Can be A-vis-a-cious-a too, And-a I-a Can-a guar-a-an-a-tee-a You-a won't-a like The things-a we'll-a do. BOTH: Oo-oo,oo-oo-ooooh. BEAU: (SPOKEN) Now, Lotus and Jimmy, I think we've been too kind. Soon things will be unpleasant, As I'm sure you'll shortly find. You see, we took it easy, Though now I wonder why, For now, my poor unfortunates, The jokes are gonna fly. The jokes are gonna fly. [ Top ] [ Index ]
The Punchline
(The Time Warp)STAN: It's astounding. Jokes are sounding. Humour takes its toll. So listen closely, BEAU: Not for very much longer. STAN: I've got to keep control. I remember Wearing the pork pie, Telling a boffer when The laughter would hit me And my partner'd be calling BOTH: Let's try the punchline again! Let's try the punchline again! BEAU: We'll relax you Until it attacks you, Then it wracks you with fear and dread. First the lights will start dimming, Soon your minds will be swimming As humour infests your head. STAN: You may think that your mind's fine, BEAU: Then we'll tell you the punchline, And slowly you'll start to go insane. You'll start tearing your hair for STAN: These words fill you with terror: BOTH: Let's try the punchline again! Let's try the punchline again! CHORUS: First we make fun of the left, And then we laugh at the right. We tell political jokes Where others pick a fight. You need a sense of humour To understand us when we say Let's try the punchline again! Let's try the punchline again! STAN: Well I was talkin' to a real revolutionary 'Cause I was tired of chattin' with the bourgeoise. He lectured a while, he sounded mighty wise, I said, "Well, thank you, Sir!" and got a big surprise: The strangest thing, it's one of Nature's quirks; His ears don't hear, it's just his mouth that works! BOTH: Let's try the punchline again! Let's try the punchline again! [ Top ] [ Index ]
Closing Song
(Brother Love's Travelling Salvation Show)Soooo We say good-bye with a tear in our eye As we watch them all die on the stage. The ex.... ..pose was a fake, was a fatal mistake, But they're certain to make the front page. Well, it's sad to see But that's how things go We've got no one left So that's it for the show And it's been FASS, yes it has, and what a gas This is the end of our show It's time for the curtain and you can be certain We're sorry to go, but we have to you know That's it for the show. Lights ..... Coming down and they turn down the sound And we all go downtown for a beer Stage... Crew calls it a day, with the props put away In the places they'll stay for a year. But when winter comes Around next time We'll be back again With FASS seventy-nine! And it's been FASS, yes it has, and what a gas This is the end of our show It's time for the curtain and you can be certain We're sorry to go, but we have to you know, That's it for the show. [ Top ] [ Index ]