An Ocean Cruise
(The North Atlantic Squadron)CHORUS: Away, away on an ocean cruise Full of booze, what can we lose? We don't know our lines and we'll miss all our cues, But that's the way that FASS goes. Farewell to all our writers That stupid bunch of blighters After four months of thought They wrote up this plot Last week in three all-nighters. Farewell to our producer Our harmony inducer. When an actress in rage Wouldn't go on the stage, Our inducer producer would goose her. Farewell to all our tech crew They sure make a competent deck crew. And on make-up and lights And sewing our tights They're great but they just don't rhyme. In days of old when knights were bold And FASS was not invented The people sighed, the children cried, And all were discontented. But now there's FASS, a worse disas... ...ter than five tornadoes. It should be fun for everyone, So please don't throw tomatoes. [ Top ] [ Index ]
Harold Mallard
(Rubber Duckie)Harold Mallard, he's the man Who keeps his spare change in a van. Harold Mallard owns everything on earth. Harold Mallard owns this boat, He makes sure our assets float. Harold Mallard owns everything on earth. Anything you see, Chances are that He owns it! If a charity Needs some money, He loans it! Harold Mallard, yeah - he's rich. He's got palms that always itch! Harold Mallard owns everything on earth! [ Top ] [ Index ]
Albania The Beautiful
(America The Beautiful)Oh beautiful, progressive land, Where sex is clean and free. Where democratic principles Denounce Impotency. Albania, Albania, You've brought us all this far. And someday soon, We'll hang a moon To show just what we are. [ Top ] [ Index ]
Drink, Drink, Drink Your Beer
(Row, Row, Row Your Boat)Drink, Drink, Drink your beer, Smoothly down the hatch. Drunkenly, drunkenly, drunkenly, drunkenly, Brew another batch. [ Top ] [ Index ]
I'll Be Master Of The Planet
(If I Only Had A Brain)I'll be master of the planet, With fools like Sam and Janet, And no-one will attack. All my enemies will cower When they see the endless power Of my aphrodisiac. [ Top ] [ Index ]
If I Didn't Have A Hunch
(If I Only Had A Heart)I could walk the straight and narrow, Or shoot a bow and arrow, Or eat a stand-up lunch. I could be my own master Instead of working for this bastard If I didn't have a hunch. [ Top ] [ Index ]
Just To Get Another Badge
(If I Only Had The Nerve)I would sell my younger brother Or rape and kill my mother I'd borrow, steal or cadge. I would deal with the devil, I would sink to any level Just to get another badge. [ Top ] [ Index ]
How I'd Like To End the Scene
(If I Only Had A Brain)WHOM: When my plan's at last unfurled I'll soon control the world, I'll never want for more. SCOUTS: I've no thought of retirin' 'Til I get what I'm desirin': Merit badges by the score! PSEUD: Oh, I Could see the sky While standing on my feet. WHOM: I'd never know the meaning of defeat. SCOUTS: I'd help a turd across the street. SCOUTS: If I got what I was after WHOM: My belly'd fill with laughter, PSEUD: My pawnts would fill with awnts. SCOUTS: I could think of nothing keener. WHOM: Be a King and get a Queen-a. S&W: We could end this bloody scene-a! PSEUD: I could be a ballerina Of the dawnce. If I'd only get de-hunched. WHOM: The world. SCOUTS: A badge. ALL: Our wants. [ Top ] [ Index ]
The Wonder Of Bras
(The Wizard Of Oz)We're Off to be malicious, Deliciously vicious and bad. We'll be the wors- test passengers This boat has ever had. If ever a horrible crowd there was You're looking at them because, because Because, because, because, because, because, Because we are very barbarious! We're off to be malicious, Deliciously vicious and bad! [ Top ] [ Index ]
MEOP Blues
(C C7 F7 C G7 F7 C)Went to bed last evening / Feeling mighty drunk Woke up this morning / And I'd heaved all over my bunk It's been one of those days When it pays not to put on your shoes...aahhhh, no... I got those Mexican Evangelical Optometry Pirate blues. First it's Hey gringo... Then repentance time Then it's all of those eye tests That almost drive me blind It's a bad dream A nightmare, and I'd like to know whose I got those Mexican Evangelical Optometry Pirate blues. I'm all at sea Out of key And I wish I was dead And I feel so tight From the booze last night I know I'm gonna explode if I don't find the head Pirate life is rotten / And so is the pay But what else could I do with / A general B.A. Well some people win But all I ever do is lose I got those Mexican Evangelical Optometry Pirate blues. [ Top ] [ Index ]
It Is A Custom To Give Leis
(I've Grown Accustomed To Her Face)It is a custom to give leis We welcome visitors this way The isle of Tongo Tongo bids you welcome day or night We'd offer more than welcome Except everything's on strike Still, it's a custom to give leis A custom we can't break A custom to give leis It is a custom to give lays I think that we are going to stay The isle of Tongo Tongo is an engineer's delight As long as there is custom We don't care who is on strike Since it's a custom to give lays A custom that we praise A custom to give lays [ Top ] [ Index ]
Life Is Grand
(I've Got Spurs)Life is grand on Tongo-Tongo-Tongo, If you visit, you'll surely want to stay. Not a thing is wrongo-wrongo-wrongo If your income is fifty grand a day. Oh, buccaneers! (Oh, buccaneers!) Let's give three cheers! (And four more beers!) Surely this would be a heaven If there were no engineers. Yes, it's great on Tongo-Tongo-Tongo, You can find all the pleasures that you seek. And the beer is strongo-strongo-strongo: Half a case and you're pissed for half a week, Half a case and you're pissed for half a week! [ Top ] [ Index ]
Pardon Me, Hon
(Pardon Me, Miss, But I've Never Done This..)Pardon me, hon Would you like to have fun, With a love machine ? Here on the floor, I can't wait any more, I'm a love machine. If only you knew How excited I've felt You make me so hot That my circuits all melt. All of my software is turning to hardware - You know what that means, I'm a love machine. [ Top ] [ Index ]
We Are Meanpeace
(We Will Rock You)Buddy we're aboard - but we're real bored Playin' on the deck - gonna have a big fight some day Gonna beat up the crew Clobber you Really enjoy everything that we do - We are we are Meanpeace We are we are Meanpeace Now that we're on deck - make a big wreck Playin' with the bomb - gonna blow up this ship some day Gonna blow up the crew And you too Get a real bang out of all that we do - We are we are Meanpeace We are we are Meanpeace Buddy we're annoyed - MAKE A BIG NOISE Gonna have some fun - gonna club a few seals some day Gonna harpoon a whale Go to jail Kick your cans clean over the rail We will we will munch you We will we will crunch you We will we will mash you We will we will bash you [ Top ] [ Index ]
We Want The Bomb
(We Want The Bump)We want the bomb gotta have the bomb - oh baby We want the bomb gotta have the bomb - oh baby etc. [ Top ] [ Index ]
Nuke The World
(Duke Of Earl)Nuke, nuke, nuke, nuke the world Nuke, nuke, nuke the world, Nuke, nuke, nuke the world... [ Top ] [ Index ]
Big Disaster
(Morning After)There's going to be a big disaster... The boys won't need to use the bomb We'll fill the air with cheers and laughter We'll watch the ship go down the tubes. And though the warning's rather cryptic I know the fun has just begun Today will be Apocalyptic At last the day of judgement At last the Gottadamerung!!! [ Top ] [ Index ]
Hoo Is Whom?
(Fox In Socks)HOO: Whom. WHOM: Hoo. Whom, is this man; Hoo, is this man. Hoo is his man; (POINTS TO HOO, COUSTEAU) He is Whom's man. (POINTS TO PSEUDOMOTO, DR. WHOM) Who is this man? (POINTS TO COUSTEAU) Who is this runt? (POINTS TO PSEUDOMOTO) This is Whom's, not Hoo's, as-sis-tant! Now that you have got it, nearly; I can show you much more clearly: Whose boss? (COUSTEAU) Hoo's boss. (COUSTEAU & HOO) Poor Chou Hoo's boss. (COUSTEAU & HOO) Whose boss? (CAPTAIN HORNBLOWER) Crew's boss! (LIGHT ON CREW & HORNBLOWER) Ship's crew's cruise boss! (DITTO) See the crew's boss cruise the seas now; (HORNBLOWER) See Chou Hoo's boss start to sneeze now. (COUSTEAU) Can the crew's boss snooze and cruise now? (HORNBLOWER) Can Chou Hoo's boss set us loose now? (COUSTEAU) [ Top ] [ Index ]
Aphrodisiac
(The Monster Mash)I was working in the lab late one night When I gave myself an awful fright, For my potion didn't work as I'd surmised, And suddenly I realized (He'd made an Ac) An aphrodisiac (Phrodisiac) To get you in the sack. (Phrodisiac) You can't halt the attack (Phrodisiac) Of my aphrodisiac! I sat and pondered what to do With my baby-making magic brew When I realized its real worth: With an aphrodisiac I could control the earth! (Controlled by Ac) An aphrodisiac (Phrodisiac) To take up your slack. (Phrodisiac) You'll end up on your back (Phrodisiac) With my aphrodisiac! (Aph-ro----disiac, Aph-ro----disiac, etc. as the Singing Waiters depart.) [ Top ] [ Index ]
Ma Bell
(Michelle)Me and, Ma Bell These are words that go together well, me and Ma Bell ACDCO, Ma Bell Count our love in hexadecimal, me and Ma Bell I love her, I love her, I love her! And though she's far a-way I feel compelled to say Long Distance is the next best thing, to being there. A-C, M-B Who'll deny we're matched peripherally, even at sea. M-B, A-C Bells start ringing when you call up me, even at three. A princess, a touch-tone, Contempra! With matching cord, to boot; You swallow all my loot. When my last dime's dropped, The dialling's stopped You'll know what I mean. Ma Bell, It's Hell, Night-time calls when no one seems to care, lines aren't there. It's Hell, Ma Bell One A. M. and I can't phone down stairs, for repairs The kitchen, the bedroom, the bathroom! I see you every where, You're not becoming rare. Though you're all amiss Long distance is the next Best thing to Being there. [ Top ] [ Index ]
Closing Song
(Liberty Bell March)Well, That's the end of our FASS this year, We're glad you came to see. It had a measure of class this year, We hope you will agree. With lots of humourous songs this year For music-loving folks, And lots of titters And lots of tatters And lots of dirty jokes. Yes, this is the end of FASS for sev'nty-nine; We hope that you all come around next time. We'd like to finish the show with something witty and smart- Instead we'll end it all with one big [ Top ] [ Index ]