Opening Song
(Yankee Doodle Dandy)This is the one and only FASS show It's sure to make you laugh or cry Don't waste your time on any drugs or booze We're bound to give you a high We've got talent yet still hidden We want to show it all to you Take your seats and clap your hands Get in with the rhythm We want to share it all with you. We've got actors, singers, dancers, They'll make your senses start to spin A story written just with you in mind Based upon sex, crime, and sin. Full of puns and silly satire Sure to make you lose your mind Got your money, too late now You will have to suffer Na Na, Na, Na, Na Na, Na, Na. Here's the lovely FASS sweethearts And the studs that make them sigh We've worked all year to perfect this show Trying to make this verse rhyme All our costumes now are finished The props are in their proper place Love our techies, love them all They work so hard to make it When you get them into bed All they do is fake it. Let's go on now with the show Hope that it will seize you Hope that we will entertain We want for it to please you... [ Top ] [ Index ]
A Bit Of Oil
(Wouldn't It Be Lovely)All I want is a bit of fun Some Brillo pads And some Three-in-One So I can jump and run Oh, wouldn't it be love-ly Brand new fingers and brand new rears Brand new circuits and brand new gears And now and then some beers Oh, wouldn't it be love-ly. [ Top ] [ Index ]
Rhinestone Robot
(Rhinestone Cowboy)Well, I've been oiling my gears so long Singing this same old song It feels like I don't belong Outside of a junk heap But I'm not like these other jerks I can do it if I try cuz I know I have my works in a drawer I'll go through many a rubber gasket 'Fore they lay me in my casket And I'm gonna have me a heck of a robotic time I'm a Rhinestone Robot Heading out on the road with a two-year warranty A Rhinestone Robot With two slipped disks and write only memory And now I have an Arts degree... [ Top ] [ Index ]
The Bright Side Of Life
(The Obvious Song)Always look on the bright side of life, Always look on the right side of life. ALEC: I may lose my job, (be) Put out with the mob. No one hires a man with a degree. I've so little skill, That the only job I'd fill, Is teaching at a university. But, (ALL) Always look on the bright side of work. Even though your boss may be quite a jerk. [ Top ] [ Index ]
Amputation
(Toucha-Toucha)If you're pinkie's cut off...don't scoff You'll get a dollar forty-nine... (You mean me? Uh-huh.) Your policy will insure any part you injure Be it ankle, elbow, or middle fin-ger So if you sever a toe, let us know Becoming less will earn you more SPIES: More, more, more... M&P: You'll get more than you planned on If you've no leg to stand on You get a thousand bucks without a hand on. Ampu-ampu-amputation Of any part of your anatomy Just name it, maim it, then claim it You'll be reimbursed So if you happen to die, no need to cry We'll handle every last detail You need a grave, we'll dig one You want a wake, we'll rig one We pay for everything when You bite the big one... ....CHORUS.... SPIES: We'll be reimbursed? M&P: You'll be reimbursed. SPIES: We'll be reimbused! M&P: You'll be reimbursed!! [ Top ] [ Index ]
Mister Screw
(Mister Kite)CHAR: For the benefit of Mister Screw I have come to torture you If it takes all night SCREW: The general is waiting there As slowly we pull out your hair What a sight GROVEL AND SCREW: And the thumbscrews to your fingers We'll apply With the greatest of delight In this way You will pray To tell all you know WISER: It's only fair to warn you two That you can scream until you're blue But I won't talk The pain and death don't worry me Since I've caught terminal V.D. From a jock So you can do your best to torture me And you will see You'd get more out of a rock You can stay for the whole day It'll do you no good [ Top ] [ Index ]
Lasers And Phasers
(Favorite Things)Lasers and Phasers and nuclear weapons Miniature landmines that you'll love to step on Fiendish devices that blow you to bits These are the things that we think will be hits Robots and androids and sneaky torpedoes Hand grenades, light sabres, aren't they just neat-o? Gadgets designed to go off with a bang These are the things for which this song is sang When the bombs burst, and the guns fire And we're feeling blue We just design more of these devious things And shoot them off right at you. [ Top ] [ Index ]
The Canadian National Unity Song
(Hallelujah Chorus)Manitoba, Manitoba, Manitoba, Manitoba, Saskatchewan. Nova Scotia, Nova Scotia, Nova Scotia, Nova Scotia, Newfoundland. British Columbia and Alberta! (Nova Scotia, Nova Scotia. Manitoba, Manitoba.) Prince Edward Island and New Brunswick! (Manitoba, Manitoba. Nova Scotia, Nova Scotia.) Que-bec! Ontari-ari-ari-o. [ Top ] [ Index ]
Fassablanca
(Carling's Red Cap)Toys and games and gadgets Dolls and teddy bears We love Fassablanca We own all the shares Profit is our motto Money is our goal For a million dollars We would sell our soul. Toys and games and gadgets Dolls and GI Joe We love Fassablanca It rakes in the dough. A-men. [ Top ] [ Index ]
Happy Elves
(Jingle Bells)Happy elves, happy elves, Happy elves are we Making toys for girls and boys For a dollar thirty-three AN HOUR! Happy elves, happy elves, Happy, yes indeed, All day long we sing our song 'Cuz we're all high on speed! Snorting up the snow, we'll keep our spirits high On and on we go, working till we die. Grossly underpaid and tyrannized as well By ho-ho-hoing Santa Claus, But we still think he's swell, Oh, happy elves, happy elves, Our bliss is not a fluke, We'll laugh and sing at anything It's enough to make you puke, Oh, happy elves, happy elves, We're devoid of wit, Lobotomized above our eyes, But we don't give a... [ Top ] [ Index ]
BLCRA
(Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious)Beeblebrox, Lickspittle, Crumhorn, Rasputin, Argbargle, Even though it sounds like someone dying trying to gargle If you shout it loud in someone's ear, it's sure to startle Beeblebrox, Lickspittle, Crumhorn, Rasputin, Argbargle. (Humdiddle-iddle-iddle, umdiddle-ay) MAN: I think that we have come here To a North Pole booby hatch PAU: Let's get out very quickly And make sure to lock the latch BOTH: In situations such as this We must protect ourselves Surrounded here by lunatics Who think that they are elves Named... [ Top ] [ Index ]
A Spoonful Of Slander
(A Spoonful Of Sugar)If you would like to make some dough You must be ruthless, even though People in the competition might complain The folks in business know it's wise To slander enemies with lies With dirt, with muck, Anything to make a buck... Cuz a spoonful of slander keeps the competition down The competition down, competition down Just a spoonful of slander keeps the competition down In a very spiteful way. Well if your products aren't so good Made out of plastic and plywood That doesn't mean you can't come out on top A bit of falsehood here and there Gets other folks out of your hair And then... you're free... With a monopoly... And a spoonful of slander keeps the competition down, The competition down, competition down, Just a spoonful of slander keeps the competition down, In a very spiteful way. [ Top ] [ Index ]
Smear Them
(Both Sides)Spread tales of blackest infamy About that rotten company Go visit every embassy And fink on Fassablanc... A lie or two in every ear Will fill the generals with fear They'll mount attacks so they can smear The folks at Fassablanc... Denounce the scum to both sides, Grinch To East and West, so they will lynch The competition we both hate Arrange a very gruesome fate. GRINCHLEY: I'll grab the next reindeer express And spread my lies from East to West I'll cause a most unholy mess For those at Fassablanc... A little dirt will smear their name Their protests all will be in vain For they will lose but we will gain By trashing Fassablanc... KITTY: Denounce the scum to both sides, Grinch, To North and South, so they will lynch The competition we both hate Arrange a very gruesome fate. [ Top ] [ Index ]
Down With The Army
(Balls To Your Partner)Down with the army, ask me if I care, If I hadn't enlisted I wouldn't be here With people who aren't all there. The generals, the generals They order us to fight But whenever the enemy Comes into view The generals aren't in sight. Right! ...CHORUS... The sergeants, the sergeants, They teach us to survive, it's So good for morale To show he's your pal The sarge plays with his privates. ...CHORUS... The cooking staff, the cooking staff, They're said to be the best, But they hired them all From South Campus Hall And so our food's a mess! Yes! ...CHORUS... SOLDIER: The cabin boy, the cabin boy, The dirty little nipper... GENERAL: He doesn't belong In an army song And neither does the skipper! Arrr! ...CHORUS... We hate the army We hate it quite a lot But we'll certainly stay If we run away They're sure to have us shot. Oh! Down with the army, ask me if I care, If I hadn't enlisted I wouldn't be here With people who aren't all there! If I hadn't enlisted I wouldn't be here With people who aren't all there! If I hadn't enlisted I wouldn't be here With people who aren't... ALL THERE!! [ Top ] [ Index ]
Closing Song
(Obladi-Oblada)Santa wants a corner on the market place, But Fassablanca's doing very well Their patent on the war has saved the human race And so we're all alive and fit enough to yell This was FASS, but it's through Yes it's over! We're closing down for eighty-one. F-A-S, F-A-S, F-A-S-S! We hope you've had a lot of fun. The generals will go back to their swaggering The life insurance folks back to the sub The spies will go on with their cloak and daggering And the pizza man will go out to the pub. ....CHORUS.... In a couple of days, we will all forget our lines Assuming we don't mess things up And forget them ahead of time (Ho, Ho, Ho, Ho) Happy ever after 'cuz the show is done We'll take off all our make-up and our shoes You will leave the theatre and you'll head for home, We will head out to the party and the booze. ....CHORUS... And if you want more giggles Come back in eighty-two. Wooh! [ Top ] [ Index ]