Opening Song
(Danny's Song)Party singing and dancing is a lot of fun And it's just begun Soon we're gonna tell a pun. We are gonna celebrate till the cows come home Gonna move from tome to tome Robin Hood to Ancient Rome... So settle down and watch our labours Don't whisper loud to your neighbours The plot's already hard enough for them to keep track. And even if our jokes aren't funny We've still collected your money And we refuse to give a single cent of it back. Literary characters right off the page Heroes of another age Villains being bad on-stage All in all we hope we are a lively crew It's a bit of a zoo It's like that backstage too And even if we ain't got talent The cast and techies are gallant The writers and production types are starting to weep. And even if our actors blow it We're sure you never will know it Cuz you all will be Fassed asleep... [ Top ] [ Index ]
Wicked
(Sweet Revenge (by John Prine))I'm as wicked as I can be, And no one here likes to see The terrible things I like to do and like to say. And now the party has just begun I'm going to ruin their party fun I'm going to get revenge and I'm going to make them pay. I'll give him a zap and a whack, Oh don't try to hold me back I'll make sure he's dead or in jail The Librarian's time has come I've got him under my thumb Sweet revenge, sweet revenge, will prevail. I'll tear him limb from limb I'll tar and feather his skin I'll make him pay for the way he's treated me. He can't escape me now, He can take his final bow. As the curtain falls and he becomes history. I'll give him a zap and a whack Oh don't try to hold me back I'll make sure he's dead or in jail The Librarian's time has come I've got him under my thumb Sweet revenge, sweet revenge will prevail Without fail. [ Top ] [ Index ]
He's Always A Puppy
(She's Always A Woman)He can kill with his smile He can wound with his claws He can flatten a house with his gigantic paws With one wag of his tail he can knock down a tree He's built like a tank, but he's always a puppy to me Though you lead him to food He might still try to eat you You lose half your face When his tongue tries to greet you So if you like living then from him you'll flee He's killed fifteen men but he's always a puppy to me Yeah, he takes care of himself He can fly if he wants He's got sixty foot wings Oh, and he likes to steal gold And he's quite fond of jewels And of hobbits with rings He's always unkind And he's quite often cruel He got a D plus in obedience school His breath is so bad it sets fire to trees And the worst he will do is incinerate you But he's always a puppy to me [ Top ] [ Index ]
Take Me Home, Ruby Shoes
(Take Me Home, Country Roads)VAL: Almost heaven, Waterloo-oo I'm in hist'ry, on my skis for Reading Week Profs are old here, older than the trees Younger are the tutors They're the ones I tease ALL: Ruby shoes, take me home to the page, I belong WATSON: London England RANGER: Hi-ho, Silver ALL: ake me home, Ruby shoes KEN: I hear the noise of a beer lid snapping open, The sound of it reminds me of a 2-4 in my fridge, And thoughts of all that brew give me the feeling That I've got to go right away, right away (KEN RUNS OFF STAGE) ALL: Ruby shoes, take me home To the page, I belong GLINDA: Emerald City ROGET: Village, hamlet ALL: Take me home, Ruby shoes [ Top ] [ Index ]
Nightmare Believer
(Daydream Believer)GLINDA: Oh yes I know that your head Came from someone lately dead I don't mind, you hardly even smell I promise never to whine That you were made by Frankenstein I could make you every bit as well. Oh my monster dear Put aside your fear I'm a nightmare believer And I'm glad to have you here. Come and take my hands As my heart expands I don't care who they came from Just as long as you have glands. FRANK: Oh Glinda, pardon my doubt I don't think you've thought this out Our two books reside on different shelves We can't resolve all of these Incompatibilities We are stuck with living by ourselves. GLINDA: Oh you monstrous dope You know we can cope I'm a nightmare believer I refuse to give up hope. If you go away I'll write you every day And I'll send all my loving to you If there is a way. [ Top ] [ Index ]
On The Star Ship Enterprise
(On The Good Ship Lollypop)SPOCK: On the star ship Enterprise On a Star Trek, flying through the skies From place to place... Through the reaches of outer space CREW: At warp speed, we travel far Every show we go from star to star On a five year trip In this godforsaken ship SPOCK: And then when our journey's done We can all go and have some fun Then with a snap... Cut the Shirley Temple crap. CREW: Boop boop be doop! [ Top ] [ Index ]
The Crew in the Bright White Spaceship
(The Boys in the Bright White Sportscar)Here we come, the crew in the bright white spaceship Warping our way through space Hopping from start to star And how did we get this far? Trouble now, our engines are over-loading Attackers on every side And soon we expect to be Cancelled by NBC. La, la la la, la, la la la, la... La, la la la, la, la la la, la... [ Top ] [ Index ]
Sherwood Forest
(Oklahoma)Sherrrrrrrrwood forest is the home of Robin's merry men. Where we singing bards evade the guards that the Sheriff sends from Nottingham. Robin Hood, yes he's the leader of our merry band So we all cavort, in lustful sport but we stay away from Marian. For she is our dear Robin's maid so we know we cannot get her laid. We raise a hoooo-oooot For Robin and his loooo-oooot But when it comes down to sharing his maiden, Robin Hood is a self-centred, egotistical, possessive, imbicilic, arrogant, scum and jerk......to boot! [ Top ] [ Index ]
Bond
(One)Bond, he's the secret agent Baby, baby, he's the best. Bond, he's got all the gadgets and a bullet-proof vest. The bad guys know him as super-spy O-O-seven And if Bo Derek's a ten, then he's eleven. Bond, never plays it dirty, though he must know all the tricks. Bond, pushing over thirty, he just does it for kicks. One smile and suddenly women all start to dance They know they'll never be lonely inside his pants. Bond, never missed a target when he's on or off the job Never dresses like a slob, you know, so (WITH FEELING) OOOh, sigh Give me your attention. Do I Really need to mention... He's James Bond. [ Top ] [ Index ]
On The Cover Of The Roman Tome
(On The Cover Of The Rolling Stone)Well, we're big politicians, We got big ambitions And we plot everywhere we go. We plot about treason And we plot about coups, And soon we'll be running the show. We plot all kinds of kills To give us all kinds of thrills, But the biggest thrill in Rome Is the thrill that'll hitcha When they carve your picture On the cover of The Roman Tome. Roman Tome (Gonna see my picture on the cover) Tome (Gonna buy V copies for my mother) Tome (Gonna see my smilin' face) On the cover of The Roman Tome In the grand ol' tradition Of crime and sedition, We're knockin' off the boss of Rome. We've got good ol' noble Brutus Driving the dagger home. That should give indeed, The high we need, But that high won't really hit home Like the high that'll hitcha When they carve your picture On the cover of The Roman Tome. Roman Tome (Gonna see my picture on the cover) Tome (Gonna buy V copies for my mother) Tome (Gonna see my smilin' face) On the cover of The Roman Tome On the cover of The Roman Tome. [ Top ] [ Index ]
Look What FASS Did To My Play
(Look What They've Done To My Song)SHAKESPEARE: Look what FASS did to my play, ma Why did they do it that way They condensed it down to a single scene So I'll make those writers pay, ma For what FASS did to my play. Look how FASS shows Ancient Rome, ma Would Caesar call this place home? There was no Tonight Show goin' on And there was no Roman Tome, ma When I portrayed Ancient Rome (CONSPIRATORS ENTER WITH DAGGERS AND APPROACH THE GREAT LIBRARIAN FROM BEHIND) CONSPIRATORS: They make us talk in blank verse, ma It makes us all sound much worse Well, you go on and on to say one thing And it's God damned hard to curse, ma When you must talk in blank verse. (CONSPIRATORS LOOK AT GREAT LIBRARIAN, THEN AT SHAKESPEARE. THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER, NOD, AND APPROACH SHAKESPEARE INSTEAD.) SHAKESPEARE: Look what FASS did to my play, ma Why did they do it that way? They condensed it down to a single scene So I'll make those writers pay, ma For what FASS did to my play. [ Top ] [ Index ]
Modern Great Librarian
(Modern Major General)I am the very model of a modern Great Librarian I know the authors African and Russian and Hungarian I've met the kings of England And I've seen the Delphi Oracle While visiting books fictional And volumes quite historical I've learned to overcome, as well, a character's suspiciousness And most now treat me kindly where they used to use maliciousness From book to book I travel, in a process analytical While making many searches for mistakes I feel are critical. I'm very good at Physics and all matters biological I comprehend the Zodiac and all signs astrological In short, in matters Scorpion or Tauran or Aquarian I am the very model of a modern Great Librarian. I am also quite familiar with many great Canadians From Templeton and Burton all the way to the Acadians I love the works of Shakespeare too especially the histories And also books more modern like the thrillers and the mysteries. I'm very well acquainted too with textbooks economical I often find the theories both ridiculous and comical About library practice I have knowledge infin'tesimal With many cheerful facts about the system Dewey Decimal. I'm very nice to animals and always give to charity I understand this kindness really makes me quite a rarity In short, in matters when we need "A Great Humanitarian" I am the very model of a modern Great Librarian. [ Top ] [ Index ]
Evil Coordinator's Song
(Who Put The Bomp)Who gave you jobs in Mississaug-aug-a Who made you work for forty cents an hour Who said to write those work repo-o-orts Who put the un in the unemploy-oyment We were those guys I hope you realize We made your life so miserable for you When you got your job Far to the north of Elliot Lake Where the nights are forty four below And you heard them saying That you would be chopping ice until December You told us where we ought to go Who gave you jobs in Mississaug-aug-a Who made you work for forty cents an hour Who said to write those work repo-o-orts Who put the un in the unemploy-oyment We were those guys I hope you realize We made your life so miserable for you Last time you came to us When there were no jobs around You were asking which way to go But every time you tried to Find a job that was in your area We told you that the word was "no". Who gave you jobs in Mississaug-aug-a Who made you work for forty cents an hour Who said to write those work repo-o-orts Who put the un in the unemploy-oyment We were those guys I hope you realize We made your life so miserable for you. [ Top ] [ Index ]
The Book Warp
(The Time Warp)It's astounding Books are changing Chaos takes control So let me tell you My intentions are evil Destruction is my goal. I remember doing the Book Warp Setting the power high The books started changing And our allies were calling Let's do the Book Warp again. Let's do the Book Warp again. It's just a chapter ahead And then a page to the right Then you play with the dial And watch the flashing light And the char'cter switches Drive the readers insane Let's do the Book Warp again Let's do the Book Warp again. I'm ecstatic, the books are erratic It's emphatic-cally deranged We take Bartlett's quotations Send them off on gyrations And by magic history is changed To the Merchant of Venice Add Dennis the Menace To Conan add Mar'lyn Monroe To geography text books Add pornography sex books Let's do the Book Warp again. Let's do the Book Warp again. MARY: I was working as a drudge in the Nursery When this guy held a bash in the Library He sent out the call to every other book But when he got to mine he left me out, the schnook I paid him back for that social slight Then fell Caesar and it served him right. ALL: Let's do the Book Warp again! Let's do the Book Warp again! [ Top ] [ Index ]
Sentimental Unrequited Love Song
(I Am A Rock)CHAPEL: A doctor's nurse in a big and lonely starship. I am in love Show me how to please you. I only want to know How to show you that I truly love you so. I am in love, SPOCK: I am a Vulcan. My thoughts are alien My heart is never open. And none may see my soul. I have no sense of humour. I can feel no pain. I only have pure logic in my brain. CHAPEL: I am in love, SPOCK: I am a Vulcan. CHAPEL: I speak of love And you've heard the word before. It's sleeping in your memory Yes, I could make you happy And laugh and sing and dance If you'd just relax and give me half a chance. I am in love, SPOCK: I am a Vulcan. I can not smile Or return your heart-felt emotions. I am shielded from your feelings. You have loved in vain; Save yourself some pain; I love no one and no one should love me. CHAPEL: I am in love, SPOCK: I am a Vulcan. CHAPEL: Sometimes love turns to pain. SPOCK: But a Vulcan never cries. [ Top ] [ Index ]
Co-op Monkeys
(We're The Monkees)MONKEYS: Here we come. Walkin' down the street. We get the funniest looks from, Everyone we meet. BOND: (SPOKEN) Just who are these people? MONKEYS: (SINGING) Hey, we're co-op monkeys. Taking anthropology Graduated with honours. Now we're out of our tree. [ Top ] [ Index ]
Ballad Of Moby Dick
(Ballad Of Jed Clampet)Let me tell you all a story I'm a man named Ish About Ahab Who was looking for a fish. Then one day, Moby Dick comes into view. Says Captain Ahab: I'm a gonna get you. (FRANK:) Moby Dick. Great White Whale. Next thing you know The crew's a mutinyin' The whale hits the ship And lets all the sea in. Last thing you see Is Ahab wavin' bye! Call me Ishmael, I'm the one who didn't die. (FRANK:) American Classic. Herman Melville Boooring. [ Top ] [ Index ]
I Turned To Evil
(I'm Getting Married)I turned to evil out of boredom Goodness was numbing up my mind Virtue was dreary It made me weary But evil makes me feel just fine. I love marauding, I love to bash! I love defrauding widows of their cash! When I was good I felt temptation Urges to evil that I braved Good deeds engendered Then I surrendered And now my thoughts are all depraved. I think of looting, I think of sex I think of wringing cocker spaniel necks. I have no use for human goodness But evil makes me feel Evil makes me feel Wicked, sinful, awful, bad, and fine! [ Top ] [ Index ]
No Evil
(No Business)EVERYONE: There's no evil like our evil Like no evil we know We think that our evil is quite chilling. We think that our lifestyle is so grand. I don't think there's anything as thrilling As when we're killing the folks at hand. There's no murder like mass murder Like no murder we've known Line them up against the wall and mow 'em down Rat tat tat tat, they hit the ground Next day at the station house your name is down Beside Reverend Jim Jones. (EVIL PRODUCTION DANCERS) The rapists, the muggers, dictators and thugs The criminals you find in every town The lawyers, the doctors, the pushers of drugs Who do their dirty work without a sound. Our work ranks with the best and you can tell You'll never trace our victims by the smell. There's no meanies like us meanies Like no meanies around We're the worstest meanies and you can tell Cuz we can't spell Or rhyme too good So why don't you join up, my child, and be a hood? And kill and maim like you should! [ Top ] [ Index ]
Bye, Bye Mary
(Herod's Song)HERBIE: Bookmark, I am overjoyed to have you under arm Now I know the library will come to no more harm Mmm, I can send you back where you belong Even get the kind of guts it takes to sing this song: Oh now I'm in charge, yes, I'm truly in charge. I can read a teacher's scrawl, Find my way through Hagey Hall Now I can rule, have my own Ridgid Tool, So now, Mary watch out! MARY: Herbert, I just can't believe the things that you have said. Suddenly, I come to think that you may want me dead. There must be something on which we can agree. Maybe I can bribe you with an honours Arts degree! You should stay in your place, Learn to stay in your place. Get back at my elbow here, grovel like an engineer. Do as I say, and I'll give you an 'A'! Herbert, do as you're told! (HEADS OFF BUT SUDDENLY STOPS FROZEN) HERBIE: Hey! Stop right there in your tracks, Ugly old battle axe! You have had your way with me! Lock her up and lose the key. Take her away, it's a wonderful day. Get out you rotten old, get out you rotten old, Get out you rotten old bitch! [ Top ] [ Index ]
Closing Song
(Cabaret Medley)(WILKOMMEN) It's time to close the show, sadly We'd like to stay a while, gladly But we can't do this and earn a degree We all have midterms and we have to pee We hope you had some fun, here at FASS 83, FASS 83, FASS 83. (TWO LADIES) Dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee, Cadabra. Dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee, And abra. Dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee, These are the magic words, ya! Dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee, A Hocus! Dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee, A Pocus! Dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee, To send us back! (TOMORROW BELONGS TO ME) Oh, Library, Library charges us fines Pay up or you lose your degree You don't get it back if you cry and whine Tomorrow they're after me. (CABARET - ELSIE PART) We once had a villain known as Mary She messed things up and it got rather scary On choosing help she wasn't very prudent In fact it seems she chose a co-op student Now she's gone and soon will be forgotten Her hired hand is not so mean and rotten But something that he said fills us with fear We recall that he was an engineer! Time to get up now, get off of the floor! We can't go on you see. That's it for eighty-three, dear friends. That's it for eighty-three. And as for we, as for we... We'll go back to our books like Mary You'll find us in the library! We will return, yes, in FASS eighty-four Just you come back and see. Time for a party, and a beer So long, we'll see you back next year That's it for '83!!!! [ Top ] [ Index ]