Fire's Burning
(Fire's Burning)JASON: Fire's burning, fire's burning, Draw nearer, draw nearer, In the gloaming, in the gloaming, Come sing and be merry. [ Top ] [ Index ]
Mystery Tonight
(Comedy Tonight)Something revealing, something revolting, Something for everyone, a Mystery tonight! Something suspicious, something pernicious, Something for everyone, a Mystery tonight! Drop off your woes, drop off your cares, Capture the music, laughter, and scares! We've got detectives, and their perspectives, Hoping to make the whole thing right! Clarity tomorrow, Mystery tonight! (KEY CHANGE!) Something exciting, or self-igniting, Something for everyone, a Mystery tonight! Something delightful, scarey and frightful, Something for everyone, a Mystery tonight! Ready for tricks, ready for treats, We'll have you on the edge of your seats! No more rehearsing, chapter and versing! Come on, let's get on with the show! Tragedy and sorrow, Beg, steal or borrow, Clarity tomorrow! Mystery (mystery! mystery!! mystery!!! mystery!!!!) TONIGHT! [ Top ] [ Index ]
Lucky In Love
(Rainbow Connection)CARRIE: Why are there so many love songs for winners? Why can't the losers sing too? Fat people fall in love, Jinxes get lucky. Maybe our dreams can come true. Surely my birthday was Friday the thirteenth An unlucky star was above But now that I've found you I have a suspicion That maybe I'm lucky in love. JAWS: I've had a life that is heavily laden My problems are weighty indeed. Friendships were rarities School was just rotten But I had more food than I need. Now I'm expressing things I was suppressing It's taken a load off my mind Cuz now that I've found you I have a suspicion You're what I was "weighting" to find. BOTH: Why are there so many love songs for winners? When you're in love it's so clear: JAWS: You have provided a taste of good fortune CARRIE: I'm lucky whenever you're near. JAWS: Your kisses so tender Make me feel more slender CARRIE: You're the fat chance that I need. BOTH: Cuz now that I've found you I have a suspicion That love's made a winner of me. [ Top ] [ Index ]
It's Got To Be A Communist Plot
(You've Got To Pick A Pocket Or Two)The whole world is afraid, For the plans that they've laid. Anything wrong, they sing this song: "It's got to be a Communist Plot!" It's got to be a Communist Plot, Com-rades! Gotta be a Communist Plot! They decide without much thought: "It's got to be a Communist Plot!" Price of stock, cost of beef, We're the cause of their grief. The U. S. is quite a mess: "It's got to be a Communist Plot!" It's got to be a Communist Plot, Com-rades! Gotta be a Communist Plot! When the Dow Jones starts to drop: "It's got to be a Communist Plot!" Fire or flood, rain or shine, Whether foul, whether fine. All the same we'll take the blame: "It's got to be a Communist Plot!" It's got to be a Communist Plot, Com-rades! Gotta be a Communist Plot. We make weather cold or hot: "It's got to be a Communist Plot!" Never mind what the crime, We're at fault half the time. Pravda too declares it's true: "It's got to be a Communist Plot!" It's got to be a Communist Plot, Com-rades! Gotta be a Communist Plot! Children everywhere are taught: "It's got to be a Communist Plot!" [ Top ] [ Index ]
Poor Harriet's Dead
(Do-Re-Mi/Goodnight, Farewell)When you know the notes to sing, There's no news you cannot bring! HANS: I'm Hans, FRANZ: I'm Franz, LIESL: I'm Liesl, LAURIE: and I'm Laurie! ALL: We're here, it's clear, to tell a little story. LIESL: We're sad we have to relay information, Because a life has met with cancellation. HANS: The news we bring concerns the Jekyll mansion. The owner's death requires your attention. LAURIE: She's cold, she's stiff, You know you can't deny it, You knew that soon She'd find the farm and buy it. FRANZ: She's passed away, You knew that she would snuff it. And now it seems, She's fin'lly kicked the bucket. LIESL: She's dead. HANS: She's dead. ALL: She's dead! [ Top ] [ Index ]
If You Love Me, Mort
(Strangers In The Night)Elvira: If you love me, Mort, Do me this favour If you love me, Mort, You must not waver If you love me, Mort, You'll kill them all for me. I just want to own this mausoleum You can kill them slow and make them scre-um, If you love me, Mort, You'll kill them all for me. Mort: I do love you so, my dear Elvira, My heart is made of coal, my soul's on fi-ruh How can I refuse, what option can I choose Loving you is such a pleasure You can have the family treasure Elvira: So if you love me, Mort, Do me this favour, If you love me, Mort, You must not waver, If you love me, Mort, You'll kill them all for me. [ Top ] [ Index ]
One Night In Hellhouse
(One Night In Bangkok)WINTHROP: Hell house, horrible setting And the victims don't know What the victims are getting. The creme de la creme of spooks in a zany Mansion with everything but Lon Chaney Time flies, been over twenty years Since a Jekyll guest spent a full night here. Give up, anyone alive'll Find in the house, there's no chance of survival It's gunshots...or poison...or impaling...or...or... (HORRIBLE ROAR) The cats. ALL: One night in Hell House and your doom is certain Your very life is hanging by a thread You'll find a corpse behind each dusty curtain And if you're lucky then the corpse stays dead All the other options fill my soul with dread. WINTHROP: One corpse is very like another After fifteen years in the coffin, brother. WINTHROP: This night is going to dictate Who'll finally be heirs to the Jekyll estate. But I present you with a warning You'd best not stick around till morning. (SPOKEN) At dawn each of you will receive an equal share of the Jekyll fortune if you're still alive. I can't see you surviving The kind of night that's now arriving I'll let you stay, I'll not refuse you But the sights you see will not amuse you. So you'd better get back to your bars, Your dachas, your two car garage... ALL: One night in Hell House and the brave men shiver Before the dawn you'll meet your destiny One night in Hell House makes the heroes quiver When they find a wraith to keep them company I can feel the terror washing over me. [ Top ] [ Index ]
Zombies
(When Johnny Comes Marching Home)When zombies come marching out of tombs We're here, we're here When voices are heard in empty rooms We're here, we're here When the werewolves howl And the vampires bite And the weather's foul And the moon is right Then the ghosts carouse With a moan and a groan and a cheer. When visitors step on Jekyll land They're here, they're here Disturbing the sleep of our spectral band They're here, they're here When the omens bristle And portents fly And the candles fizzle And strangely die You'll be left in the park In the dark with the mark Of a person whose death is near. When earth is swallowed by night's domain You're here, you're here You may never see the light again You're here, you're here We're desperadoes... Hearts black as soot... So beware of shadows... The game's afoot... When the graves rip open Abandon hopin' All ye who enter here! [ Top ] [ Index ]
Immaterial Girl
(Material Girl)Can't you see we can't be seen? And nobody can hear us? No one knows that we're around And no one can get near us! Everything's invisible; No mortal man can view it! Everything is insubstantial: Put your hand right through it! Because we live in an immaterial world And I'm an immaterial girl. Oh can't you see we live in an immaterial world, And I'm an immaterial girl? Some folks fear me, some folks jeer me Saying I'm not there. But I don't mind 'cause Skeptics are the easiest to scare Some folks try to contact me By holding a seance If I don't like their rituals I'll offer no response. CHORUS I know I am dead and gone But that's all right you see Eventually those still alive Will all be joining me CHORUS [ Top ] [ Index ]
Death Is All For The Best
(Yes, It's All For The Best)When you are dead There's plenty to do Don't shake your head! We're talkin' to you! If you find haunting Daunting Try to strut your stuff; start flaunting! Try to get into it There is no sin to it When you begin to go "Boo"! Bone up on your bones And practise your screams You'll find that a moan's Not hard as it seems! Don't forget when you're deceased's No time to be depressed! Death is all for the best! It's clear that when you are a shade You have got it made And that being laid In your coffin Will help you get ahead, No one ever said Just because you're dead You're nowhere! You face it with a smirk Never have to work Don't even get hurt very often You've nothing to lose now So what do you care? You can look into bathroom stalls Get to walk through walls Make telephone calls without money See the show for free Come through a TV Generally be a real pest! ALL: Don't let it get to you That folks can see through you 'Cause Death Is all for the -- Death is all for the-- Death is all for the-- Death is all for the best! [ Top ] [ Index ]
The Objectionable Philosophy
(Hush Hush)When Rant received her inspiration She conceived of a wondrous plan. A way to build a perfect nation, A sort of political fantasy land. "At last," she thought, "I know for certain How to insure efficiency. I'll soon lift off the government burden. Soon reduce bureaucracy." But all that you'll receive from her freedoms, Much to your chagrin and dismay, Is a rather redundant set of reasons Why you must do whatever we say. Work at any factory We'll own it Buy your food at the grocery We'll own it If when you receive your pay, You would like it stored away, Visit your bank without delay, We'll own it. We'll own every oil lease, And we'll own all the politicians. We'll control the local police, And all the sporting competitions. Try to avoid us if you can, It doesn't matter what you plan, You can move to Afghanistan, We'll own it. From the moment of your birth We'll own it To your last day on this earth We'll own it If you decide that you don't care, And you refuse to pay your fare, Don't you dare take a breath of air! We'll own it. [ Top ] [ Index ]
A Curse On You
(Alas For You)A curse, a curse on you, strangers and relatives, Hypocrites that you be. When I was old and tired and lonely, You were too busy to visit me. But now you're all here while my death is only A few hours old I'm not even cold A curse, a curse on you, strangers and relatives, It's your turn to lament. So sure that you'd get your hands on my savings You won't inherit half a cent. And I tell you now to banish your cravings You won't leave alive You will not survive Weak fools and greedy wives, You cannot escape from this murderous hive. Call in the police, or call in detectives, Boozers and losers and mental defectives, They will not save your lives All those, Now here, This bloody curse on you will fall. The dawning of this coming morning. Will mark the death of you all A curse, a curse, a curse, on you! (DEMONIC LAUGHTER) [ Top ] [ Index ]
C'est Moi
(C'est Moi)Criminals, criminals, We know they are a cowardly lot They are terrified, terrified Of Hercules Parrot. They know I'll destroy every logical defense Because my great deductions don't make sense. A private detective has no need of witnesses Of physical evidence or other clues With no knowledge about the crime He can solve it in record time, He can point at the guilty man And shout "J'accuse" (I accuse) The secret of crime detection lies in witlessness Ignoring the silly details that distract But where in the world is there in the world A man so divorced from fact? C'est moi (it's me) whose brain is so fine I spit on the urge to be shy My head it swells with little grey cells C'est moi (it's me), 'tis I. I've never failed to finger the crook No matter whom I indict I make a guess at the end of the book And yes, the guess is right. C'est moi (it's me) bull-headedly blind For facts I wholly deny A man whose gall is sure to appall C'est moi (it's me), 'tis I. [ Top ] [ Index ]
Herbie
(Oscar Meyer)My Herbie is infested With several kinds of fleas The insects all are vectors Of terminal disease Of measles, chickenpox, and flu And mutant strains of typhoid too... Genetic research has a way With recombinant DNA. [ Top ] [ Index ]
Just A Scientist
(Just A Gigolo/I Ain't Got Nobody)CEDRIC: I'm just a scientist A mad biologist And I find the part delighting Cloning every day Splicing DNA Ooo...how exciting! Went to school it's true At U of Waterloo Money's really hard to come by Until it came into my head I should try to raise the dead And canvass the alumni. Cuz I....just love dead bodies Dead bodies, they thrill me Dead bodies, fulfill me I'm so mad and lonely Mad and lonely, mad and lonely Want some sweet research grant To come and take a chance on me Cuz I ain't so bad... MONSTER: I'm just a Frankenstein With many parts combined And I find this fact distressing Pieces, like my head, Come from people dead Ooo..how depressing. If there was a day When loved ones passed away And if they weren't cremated There's a possibility That is very clear to me We might be related. Cuz I'm...made from dead bodies... Dead bodies, they thrill me Dead bodies, fulfill me I'm so mad and lonely Mad and lonely, mad and lonely, Want some sweet research grant To come and take a chance on me Cuz I ain't so bad... [ Top ] [ Index ]
I'm Getting Buried
(I'm Gettied Married In The Morning)I'm getting buried in the morning Ding dong the bells are gonna chime Send lots of flowers Eulogize for hours But get me to the hearse on time! Everyone will be there in the morning Spruced up and looking mighty fine There'll be fun and laughter In the everafter So get me to the hearse on time. I've lived a long life I've no regrets To my relations I leave all of my debts. I'm getting buried in the morning Say good-bye to all that once was mine I'm really quite excited For soon I'll be ignited You'd better not delay I'm starting to decay For your sakes get me to the hearse on time! I Killed Elvira (My Way) And now, it seems so clear, My heart feels like it won't stop hurting. I loved you so my dear, That you loved me is not so certain. You were so beautiful, Those eyes, that face, who could deny ya? And now you're dead for I Have killed Elvira. I loved her all through school, Despite her lust for others riches. She was my precious jewel, Though she outdid the world's great bitches. The best, by far the best, Of all the women in Elmira. And now she's dead for I Have killed Elvira. At her request I planted bombs, Blew people up, committed wrongs. But through it all, she picked on me. She held me in her tyranny. Now she is dead and I am free; I killed Elvira. She once could do no wrong, When she was here, my eyes were blinded. And now, that she is gone, Of liberty, I am reminded. For truth and love and hope And all those things that I admir-uh, Oh yes, I'm glad to say I killed Elvira. I played the pawn in her foul plot. I was a stu-pid idiot. But then she drank from poisoned cup, Her own petard did hoist her up. Now I am free, I paid my fee, I killed Elvira. [ Top ] [ Index ]
Jekyll House Cats
(Jellicle Cats)Are you able to kill? And with nary a thought? Can you murder a houseguest? And never get caught? Can you baffle detectives? Who haven't a clue? If you can and you have You're a Jekyll Cat too. Because Jekyll Cats are and Jekyll Cats do, Jekyll Cats do and Jekyll Cats would, Jekyll Cats would and Jekyll Cats can, Jekyll Cats can and Jekyll Cats do, Jekyll Cats can and Jekyll Cats do. Can you poison the food With untraceable drugs? Are you able to shoot, Skewer, strangle, and slay? And exterminate humans As if they were bugs? Fin'lly do you believe "Where there's a will, there's a way?" Because Jekyll Cats can and Jekyll Cats do, Jekyll Cats do and Jekyll Cats can, Jekyll Cats can and Jekyll Cats do, Jekyll Cats do and Jekyll Cats can, Jekyll Cats can and Jekyll Cats do. (DANCE NUMBER BETWEEN TWO SONGS) [ Top ] [ Index ]
Haunted House
(The Old Gumbie Cat)I have a haunted house in mind It's filled with very scary scenes And if by chance these scenes you find, You'll find out what disaster means. A presence permeates each room, The flame of life it hopes to douse. It thinks and knows and hopes and kills And that's what makes a haunted house, That's what makes a haunted house. 'Cause when the night's murder and mayhem is done, The Jekyll Cat's battle is practically won. And now that Madam Harriet is dead and gone, The work of the Cats has a chance to go on. We are deeply concerned with the terms of the will Especially the part about the codicil. There's plenty of money, but rather than share it, We're killing you off so that we can inherit. [ Top ] [ Index ]
Jekyll House
(Skimbleshanks)Jekyll House! Oh! Jekyll House! The home of the Jekyll Cats! There's a rumour in the air, That we started this affair, And in case you may have wondered why, Although you may find it rash, We were running short of cash, And decided you must die! We have always liked to nibble, On our catnip flavoured kibble, That we supplement with mice. And because we acted sooner, We have lots and lots of tuna, Which admittedly is nice. But although we are well off, We have found it's not enough, And we often dream of dining on a chicken. And although it seems absurd, To be lusting for a bird, We need cash to catch the kind that's finger-licken. So we formed a cat alliance, And decided in defiance, That the relatives must expire. And so now you're up to date, On the reasons for our hate, And the happenings that happened to transpire. Jekyll House! Oh! Jekyll House! The home of the Jekyll Cats! [ Top ] [ Index ]
Computer Fees
(Dancin' In The Street)CULT: Co-op! Imprint! Athletics! Federation Hall! CLAIRE: Callin' out around the school Are you ready for a brand-new fee? Doug is here and his name is Wright He says computing isn't free. Pay in Computer Science Pay in Psychology Pay in Engineering Oh they want your money, sweet money And they're putting on the squeeze It's the latest charge by the registrar So pay computer fees! Oh! It doesn't matter what you take Or what faculty you're in Hit a key on the CRT Take the system for a spin You'll be payin' You'll pay computer fees! This is a requisition That's not tuition So your OSAP will not pay There'll be moanin', groanin', But no student loanin' And you dare not disobey! Mathematics, E.S. Science, H.K.L.S. Don't forget old Engineering Oh they want your money Sweet money Go and hock your underwear... [ Top ] [ Index ]
Beelzebub
(Da-Doo-Ron-Ron)ZELDA: I met him on a Monday at the CC Pub Demonus Vene, Beelzebub He asked me out on Tuesday to the Faculty Club Demonus Vene, Beelzebub Ooo, his name was Bill I was on the pill So when he asked me home MUSTARD: Da-doo-ron-ron-ron, Va-va-va-voom. ZELDA: He vanished early Wednesday but he left me cash Demonus Vene, Beelzebub I broke out Thursday morning in an itchy rash Demonus Vene, Beelzebub Friday my M.D. Said it was Herpes B On the weekend I stayed home MUSTARD: Da-doo-ron-ron-ron, Va-va-va-voom. [ Top ] [ Index ]
Killer
(Thriller)CLAIRE: Eleven thirty You show up at a class just for the kick You're topsy-turvy Last night you guzzled beer till you were sick The prof comes in He's carrying a stack of paper booklets He starts to grin And gleefully he looks you in the eyes You realize That it's a killer midterm test It wholly slipped your mind And now you're really gonna pay Yes it's a killer midterm test The shit has hit the fan Yes it's a killer midterm today. You feel the sweat spout You wonder if there's time to run away The tests are passed out You close your eyes and quickly start to pray You bow your head And hope the quiz will only be "short answer" But to your dread You find the prof has proved that he is slime It's essay time! And it's a killer midterm test Your lack of useful knowledge Fills your heart with grim dismay And it's not even multiple guess You're really up the creek Upon the killer midterm today. Eight questions waiting On subjects you haven't a clue about No way of faking The facts a response should include You are right royally screwed. But pick a question One that seems a little less obscure Fight your depression Dig right in, start shovellin' manure There's one slim hope To salvage partial marks from this disaster Don't groan and mope Your grade may not turn out to be that bad If you can pad So write some filler, filler now A flood of purple prose might fool An overworked T.A. Just be a filler spiller now Perhaps you'll save your tush Churn out some killer diller midterm filler Here today! Keep spouting filler, never rest And don't forget your Webster's Or your Bartlett's or Roget 'Cause it's a killer diller test Your ass is in a sling And it's a killer midterm... MASTER: Darkness falls across the land The witching hour is close at hand Heavens split in mortal fear As the summoning draws near. And whomsoever shall be found Upon the Jekyll's curs-ed ground Must stand and face a fiend from hell And die like any infidel. For deep beneath this rotting soil Unfettered in a magic coil There lurks a force of rav'nous doom Imprisoned in a ghastly tomb. Now by the power of evil hand, By gifts of incense, fire, and blood I break the chains with one command Demonus Vene, Beelzebub! [ Top ] [ Index ]
That Was The Play
(Those Were The Days)We started with a mansion in the country, To which some frightened teen-agers did run. We added in some loud obnoxious tourists, And spying Russians just to have more fun. After that things start to get confusing, As crooks and family and cultists mix. All out to get a rich old lady's fortune Using a variety of tricks. Then the detectives came, But they all fared the same, Ran here and there and wasted all their time. They had no chance really to solve the mystery. They did their best but could not solve the crime. That was the play my friend, we're sad it had to end. We sang and danced from dusk to break of day. We did our best for you, and we enjoyed it too. That was the play, oh yes, that was the play. Now it's time to take off all our make-up. We'll hang our costumes on the racks and then, We'll strike the sets and head off to the party, And sing all of our favourite songs again. If you're depressed because the play is over, Raise up your head and wipe away that tear. Make plans to come to FASS in Eighty-seven. We reach a quarter century next year. That was the play, adieu. We'll take our leave of you. But we'll be back, along with all the jokes. It's been a slice you know, Hope you enjoyed the show. That was the play, oh yes that was the play. [ Top ] [ Index ]