Thus Spoke Sarah Bernhardt
(Also Sprach Zarathustra)MODERNS: Do you hear a sound? PRIMITIVES: Dum Dum, Dum Dum, Dum Dum, Dum Dum, Dum Dum, Dum Dum, Dum! MODERNS: Voices all around! PRIMITIVES: Dum Dum, Dum Dum, Dum Dum, Dum Dum, Dum Dum, Dum Dum, Dum! MODERNS: Rise above the crowd! Straighten up, And use your mind, PRIMITIVES: Dum Dum Dum Dum Dum! MODERNS: You will find, This is PRIMITIVES: Dum! [ Top ] [ Index ]
The Winds Of Change
(Do You Hear The People Sing)Do you hear the distant drum, sounding the rise of early man? Why don't you join us now and witness how our history began? Ev'ry scholar here today descended from people such as these, See how the winds of change began as a gentle breeze. We will take you on a journey through the merry days of yore, So prepare yourselves for revelry, there's lots of laughs in store, If we're any good you'll be rolling about on the floor. Join the steady march of years, follow the path of history, Start at the primal dawn and travel on to ages yet to be, With the wisdom of the past filling up our curriculums, There will be many things to learn when tomorrow comes. The survival of the fittest will allow us to progress, And intelligence will triumph over muscular prowess, If that were not true we would all be in H-K-L-S. (Dum-dum-dum-dum!) Join the steady march of years, follow the path of history, Ev-ery lowly undergrad and ev'ry lofty P.h.D., And to think it all begins with the opposing of our thumbs, There will be many things to learn when tomorrow comes. (Dum-de-dum!) [ Top ] [ Index ]
Progress
(Dear World)What is the point of this progress? Who are you trying to impress? I'm prehistoric; my world is made of stone. Don't try to fix it, leave it alone. So drop these pretensions of knowledge, I'm staying here, not at college. I am a happy, uneducated lout, So count your blessings, And count me out! Don't get your nose out of joint, Og. You seem to miss the whole point, Og. Our evolution is unavoidable. Jump on the wagon, help us to pull. EVERYONE: So teach to the whole human race, Og. (The) future's a wonderful place, Og. We're getting ready to shoot for something new, To build a campus, at Waterloo. If we think logically, And act accordingly, Then there is gonna be, A University! We've got to have education: Hedging against glaciation. And if your mind is becoming rather numb, Help us to plan the curriculum. 'Cause we have to chart out our classes, (Which) frees us from freezing our asses. It's far too chilly to stand here turning blue, So build a campus, A magnificent campus, A remarkable campus, At Waterloo! [ Top ] [ Index ]
Chorus #1
(Something Poetic)Paris was a simple shepherd Watching o'er his flock by night, he Heard a call from Gods on high: Athena, Hera, Aphrodite. A task was given unto Paris, A golden apple was the prize. To choose which Goddess was the fairest (And) which one had the finest... thighs? [ Top ] [ Index ]
Chorus #2
(Something Monotone)His just reward for choosing love Can be found at Laurier. She's everything he's dreaming of In every category... eh. [ Top ] [ Index ]
Chorus #3
(The Alternate School Song)Waterloo, Waterloo, ran the girl and boy. Waterloo, Waterloo, to his home in Troy. In hopes of finding peace, They slipped away from Geece, (To) Waterloo (Good luck) Waterloo (Dumb... people) Waterloo (Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, de-de-de-dumb!) [ Top ] [ Index ]
Chorus #4
(Something Rappish)They need to find a way to get inside So they build a big contraption in which to hide. In order to disguise the invading force They built themselves a twelve foot wooden... duck. [ Top ] [ Index ]
Always
(Always)Girl, you are to me All that a goddess should be And I dedicate my love to you always. Boy, you are to me That slimy trail that a slug would leave And I know you'll smell this way for always. But I still know That our love could grow And forever it will be us and the sheep. Your face is like the sun I can't bear to look at it When you come around, I get hives all day. PARIS: (SPOKEN) Come away with me to Troy. We'll go to university there, escape from the real world. HELEN: (ASIDE) Well, at least he'll treat me better than the people here. To them, I'm nothing but a sex object. Marry me, my sweet! We'll have a nice hut, eleven babies And a flock to call our own for always. (ASIDE) This shepherd's sure a geek But he'll help me get away from these Greeks So I'll play along with him -- for now, anyways. (TO Paris) Boy I love you so PARIS: My little lamb, I just knew you'd say so. HELEN: Sure, I'm your little lamb -- for now, anyways. [ Top ] [ Index ]
... No, I Smoke BEFORE Sex
(Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas)It's a crime, my time is flowing backwards Do not envy me Mine's the strangest love life you will ever see. And, for me, there's no such thing as foreplay It's a dreadful curse I enjoy my carnal pleasures in reverse. Women scoff when they see that you're, somewhat premature in bed When I answer their call so deep, first I fall asleep instead. Then I wake, aglow, the morning after Lovestruck to the core Wishing to remember it forevermore (But) I can't recall the magic of the night before. [ Top ] [ Index ]
Waterloo
(Camelot)'Twas long ago when ignorance was lord The throne of higher learning was restored. The king was forced to sign the Magna Carta His barons were insistent, it is true They felt a university should start u-p in Waterloo. From ev'rywhere came men of mighty powers The finest teachers England ever knew And so ensconced themselves in iv'ry towers in Waterloo. Waterloo, Waterloo! To you we proudly pledge our troth Here's to Waterloo, (ALL) Waterloo! Each Moor and Visigoth. In time your teaching gets a little sloppy Perhaps you haven't published for a year Don't worry when you're through Cause you've got tenure, too Incompetence won't matter while you're here at Waterloo. Waterloo, what a zoo! The students here get screwed a lot Here in Waterloo, what to do? It is a feudal plot. So if you wish to be a full professor To o-ur sage advice you'll lend an ear Discover something new But make sure when you do It brings in lots of dollars while you're here at Waterloo! [ Top ] [ Index ]
Imprint
(Skid Row)SINGER 1: You crawl to campus Monday, start a week of drudgery You suffer through your classes and it passes oh so awfully slow (Sing it, child) But when Friday's here: CHORUS: Pick up an Imprint SINGER 2: That's the campus rag CHORUS: Grab an Impritnt SINGER 2: Now, I don't like to brag CHORUS: Read the Imprint SINGER 2: And your spirit's sagging no more CHORUS: See what's in store. See what's in store CHORUS: Inside the Imprint SINGER 2: Editorial rebuke CHORUS: Imprint SINGER 2: Of a letter from some kook CHOURS: Imprint SINGER 2: It's enough to make you puke just to see this travesty. IMPRINT SCRIBES & WRITERS: Advertisements are printed from a strippers' joint Our readers are complaining that we missed the point They say the press's freedom only goes so far But Huggy's is our favourite bar! CHORUS: It says here Imprint SINGER 3: Leather school jacket thief CHORUS: Imprint SINGER 3: Brings a Fed Hall patron grief CHORUS: Imprint SINGER 3: It's beyond belief what we choose as front-page news. CHORUS: As front page news SINGER 3: We can't excuse CHORUS: We can't excuse SINGER 3: Our arts reviews CHORUS: Our arts reviews BOTH: But here's some clues: COLONORANUS: Arts! That's the section dear to our hearts Where the whole is less than the parts If you'd like to hear how it starts I take my favourite disc Say very little 'bout music, and lots about me There is no risk Because the chance that you've heard of the group is so frightfully slim You'll ignore my review cause the headline's so grim after all. And so I CHORUS: Imprint COLONORANUS: Attach a morbid photograph CHORUS: Imprint COLONORANUS: A favourite trick of Imprint staff CHORUS: Imprint COLONORANUS: And sprinkle round some pointless graphics to boot - we think it's cute. ROMEO: How I start to regret my all-nighters here Rue the day when I met the back-biters here Gee, I wish we could get some real writers here Wish my own Juliet could be right here. (CHORUS 1 & 2 ARE COUNTER-POINTED) CHORUS 1: Imprint! We only print the truth. CHORUS 2: Are we professional? Yes, we believe in it CHORUS 1: Imprint! Every journalistic sleuth. CHORUS 2: But it's anyone's guess who's achievin' it CHORUS 1: Imprint! Still, we lack a little couth CHORUS 2: If there's a God of the Press, we're deceivin' it CHORUS 1: even so! CHORUS 2: A great career long as you're not naive in it CHORUS 1: Imprint! CHORUS 2: If you miss the allure we perceive in it CHORUS 1: Imprint! CHORUS 2: Just think of all of the perks we receive in it CHORUS 1: Imprint! CHORUS 2: But I wish all these jerks would start leavin' it, oh! [ Top ] [ Index ]
Fortune's Fool
(Rubber Ducky)It is tragic, I agree But like magic, one-two-three All your smiles will soon turn to frowns, my friend All the fates portend. You may feel quite glorified But such overweening pride Only brings about tragedy in the end. You're defyin' the gods, and cryin' out "Boo! Hiss!" But mister -- you'll be payin' for displayin' your hubris Why the hell d'ya do this? To avoid your nemesis Your best strategem is this Let Romeo visit his gal Make up with Willie, he could be your pal On such kindness your destiny shall depend. [ Top ] [ Index ]
He's a Jolly Othello
(He's a Jolly Good Fellow)For he's a jolly Othello For he's a jolly Othello For he's a jolly Othello Of infini-ite jest! [ Top ] [ Index ]
To Be Happy Or Not To Be Happy
(Don't Worry, Be Happy)CHORUS: Ooh, Ooh, (AS IN THE SONG) SOLO: If you've lost a pound of flesh Don't complain, at least it's fresh. Don't worry, be happy. Receive a visit from someone's ghost Invite him in for tea and toast. Don't worry, be happy. Fellow pokes out both your eyes Before you overdramatize - Don't worry, be happy. Wife turns out to be a shrew But think of who she's stuck with too. Don't worry, be happy. (Don't worry, be happy now) CHORUS: Ooh, Ooh, (AS IN THE SONG) SOLO: (SPOKEN) (It's the Ides of March? That means spring is coming! Be happy!) Uncle went and killed your dad The state of Denmark smells so bad. Don't worry, be happy. Listen to what I say, Titania's love, he is an ass That's not surprising, this is FASS. Don't worry, be happy, be happy now. (SPOKEN) (Don't worry, don't worry, don't do it Be happy. Brutus is an honourable man! He has a lean and hungry look? Take him to lunch! Be happy!) [ Top ] [ Index ]
Head Don
(Don Giovanni)Don Giovanni, he has no equal His mold was broken, won't be no sequel. [ Top ] [ Index ]
Head Don
(Bring Me My Bride)Head Don, Head Don, he is the new Head Don, The man the students all rely upon! You ask of us, why such an awful fuss? He takes a dozen classes and his marks are all A plus. Give us a D, give us an O, and an N And what do you have then? He's a Don for all men. Head Don, Head Don, a blend of brains and brawn We're going to be despondent when he's gone. He wrote this song, it did not take him long He tells the frosh what course to take and he is never wrong. We think he's great, say it again. He is a genuine Renaissance man! (WITH GIRLFRIENDS) [AND DONS] I do what I can! I, Don Giovanni I am on the Dean's list. I am athlete of the year, (sigh) I'm always in good cheer, (sigh) I drink a lot of beer, (sigh) I have a lot of books, (sigh) And natural good looks. I, Don Giovanni, (Him, Don Giovanni) [He's perfect at sports] I, Don Giovanni, (Him, Don Giovanni) [And witty retorts] I, ([Head]) in class the most admired ([Don]) In thought, the most inspired, ([Head]) In love, the most desired, ([Don]) As friend, the most unique, Look at my physique! I'm the Head Don, (He's the Head Don) I'm the Head Don, [He's the Head Don] [ Top ] [ Index ]
I've a Hunch
(Being Green)It's not easy being bent, Hoping the world won't notice your shape, And knowing that people will cross a great desert, walk a mile for a camel, But they won't walk with me. It isn't easy being bent, Seeing shoes instead of the skies, And wondering whether, for a moment, anybody Will see love in my eyes. But being low to the ground, Has its perqs, though it's strange. Cause with your ear to the pavement, and your eye to the gutter, You find more loose change. When life has dealt a savage blow, You've got to roll with the punch, Keep rising, keep shining. So I'm bent? So what? I feel wonderful, And, I guess, it's only a hunch. [ Top ] [ Index ]
Null Opera End
(Orpheus (Speedy Muffler Theme))We beat the Hunchback expertly And so, I'm sure you'll all agree That evil always pays a price And Ottomodo wasn't nice. Yet still you may be sure my friends Although it seems this story ends All of us have bills to pay So we'll return another day! Biceps and thighs! The hero always gets the chicks. Evil bad guys Always up to dirty tricks. And we actors Are off to make a sequel now Off to make a sequel now A sequel now, a sequel now, a sequel! [ Top ] [ Index ]
Grad Club Rendezvous
(Seaside Rendezvous)Grad Club, whenever you drink along with me I gotta tell ya, it's my favourite pub (This) tastes vile - I think that they brewed it in the tub It's such a sorry excuse for a beer I need a drink so badly You can order up another round, I'll pay gladly Elbows are bendable at a commendable Grad Club Rendezvous. We're alcoholic, see we're drinking again Yeah, we're drinking another time (Oooh we're like that) Symbolic of the binges to which I am prone Like in the reading week season I hit the Carribean, spend my student loan It's so fashionable. (DANCE/INSTRUMENTAL BREAK) Somebody's dancing on my brain God, I need another beer (A drink would stop that dancing) What a damn jolly good idea With just the tiniest lock of the hair of the dog (FINDING A HAIR IN HER DRINK) My head becomes quite clear. We won't make a peep as We congregate surreptitiously Flappers, mobsters, all that jazz (If they) catch us, we're gonna be bound for Alcatraz They say it's stupid to do but we dare We're drinking distilled spirits So keep it very quiet or the campus'll hear its Whole population'll want a sensational Grad Club Rendezvous (How deplorable) Grad Club Rendezvous (Woo-hoo) Grad Club Rendezvous (Give us a sip) [ Top ] [ Index ]
Do You Hear The People Laugh?
(Do You Hear The People Sing?)Now is paradise regained, but we have paid a heavy price, Once again man is hurled into a world of pain and sacrifice, If the story you have seen caused you to shed regretful tears, Think for a moment on the fate of your own careers. If you find the kind of life you're leading here to be a gas, And you'd hate to leave the campus with your graduating class, You're bound to excel as a permanent member of FASS. Will you join in our crusade? Who will be mad enough to try? Is there a crazy fool among you who'll be proud to do or die? Do you hear the people laugh? They could be laughing right at you, All of this glory could be yours if you join the crew. Do you promise to return? Let us regale you with our song, If we do not pervert the words too much then you can sing along, When we next put on a show favour us with your presence here, This is a gesture you can keep as a souvenir: Thumbs up - until next year! [ Top ] [ Index ]