FASS
(Free)HARRY: Oh what a show! Oh what a show! I know you think, I think you know How we might do. CHORUS: No matter how you think it might go ... New songs, old jokes, a dancing revue ... Special effects, and sets by the tech crew! I bet you never thought we'd be here in ninety(-two) It's the FASS Show! ALL: We've been doing this for thirty years, as of tonight. (This) time we'll get it right. FASS! And the set is built and painted, so bring up the lights. It's the FASS Show! What a FASS Show. We have chosen as our theme this year, Mythology As you soon will see FASS! And our songs are almost written, La-la-la la-lee It's la FASS Show! La la FASS Show! It's a musical and dra-ma comedy show It's our thirtieth anniversary And we're here to show you just how far we can go We're more lively than a lecture in Biology And we're slicker than a surface in Topology It's the FASS Show and we're taking on Mythology Glad you dropped in, now to begin It's our musical and dra-ma comedy show And it's gonna be a show with class And we're here to shake up ev'rything that you know That sometimes our jokes are tasteless and a little crass We throw rocks although we're living in a house of glass. All those rumours that you've heard have been erroneous CAST: FASS! (HARRY: Sing it!) FASS! (HARRY: Spell it!) F! A! Double -- (HARRY: No, the long way!) ALL: F! A! S! S! FASS! [ Top ] [ Index ]
Mad
(Bad)My craziness / I can't disguise. I'll never win / A Nobel Prize. The other profs / They hate my guts I think it's 'cause / They think I'm nuts. I am. I am -- I am crazy. So what? I blow things up / I melt things down. I dim the lights / All over town. I like to mess / With DNA I don't care what / The others say. And I don't know much 'bout ethics, Never hear my conscience call. The social consequences Don't bother me at all Because I'm mad! I'm mad! Come on, I'm mad! I'm mad! You know it! (You know) I'm mad! I'm mad! Come on, And the whole world's my Meccano set, Let me tell you once again Who's mad! So now you come / And say to me You need a god / A.S.A.P. The schedule's tough / The money's gone. But I'm insane / I moonwalk on. I work all night / I work all day I find that sleep / Gets in the way. But I've had to cut some corners And it may not work, who knows? But if this thing's unstable, I'll be here when it blows! Because I'm mad! I'm mad! Oh yeah! I'm mad! I'm mad! You know it! (You know) I'm mad! I'm mad! Come on, And the whole world's just a toy to me, Let me tell you once again Who's mad! [ Top ] [ Index ]
It's Still Utter Hell To Me
(It's Still Rock And Roll To Me)HI: What's the matter with my calculator? LOIS: It won't do you a bit of good. HI: Will it help me solve this Taylor series? LOIS: No, you must've misunderstood. Let me tell you something strictly confidential Anything you do is just a waste of a pencil. BOTH: Algebra, Calculus, you might think it's fabulous, It's still utter hell to me. Oh, it doesn't matter what it says in the textbook 'Cause the language is all Greek to me. There's a new theorem now But I can't figure out, what this question is supposed to mean HI: I need a shot of caffeine. HI: What's the matter with this integration? LOIS: You have to differentiate. HI: Will I ever be a straight 'A' student? LOIS: You'll be lucky just to graduate. HI: Back as a frosh, I thought it would be easy, Now the thought of math is enough to make me queasy. BOTH: Even when they talked about the New Math, honey, It was still utter hell to me. HI: I think I need a stimulant, 'cause flunking out is imminent It's still utter hell to me. [ Top ] [ Index ]
The Stone Song
(Who Will Buy?)LOKI: Will you buy these magic Norn Stones? They could solve all your problems. VENUS: I'm so blue... I desi-re my dear Chuckie. I must ha-ave my dear Chuckie. LOKI: You should buy a magic Norn Stone... VENUS: I just wa-ant my dear Chuckie. LOKI: ... Yo-our wish could be granted. CROWD: We know what he wants! Put Hercules down! LOKI: Will you buy? (HOLD) VENUS: Should I buy? (HOLD) CROWD: You should buy! (HOLD) NEWFIE: I's the bye! LOKI: You may dream of winning a lott'ry Raving fans, a bountiful crop. Don't forsake this deal of a lifetime, Use your Stone today / And make the Hero pay, This Stone will put you at the top! CROWD: There'll never be a deal so stunning If it's re-venge you seek. Or to make her Chuckie come running, Although he's such a geek! LOKI: ... he's such a geek! VENUS: If I buy your wonderful Norn Stone Will it make my Chuckie love me? We must date, this goddess commands it. I'll make a wish today / So he won't get away, Because our love was meant to be. (BRIDGE) LOKI & CROWD: Now they've bought their magical Norn Stones. Paid a lot, they must be half-mad! What they got will prove to be useless. They'll have to take their knocks. They think they own pet rocks... But they don't know that they've been had! (BIG ENDING) HAD! HAD! [ Top ] [ Index ]
A Story
(Tomorrow)I've got a deadline tomorrow Gotta have a story by tomorrow, or I'm through No Pulitzer Prize, no trenchcoat I'll be lucky if I get to keep my, paper route Here I'm stuck with a yutz, who's nuts, and crazy Boss threw me a pen, and then, she said: "You've got a deadline, tomorrow, Better get your story in tomorrow, no delay." Tomorrow's too near, There goes my career, My future has washed away. Here I'm stuck with this goof, No proof of deities How do I begin, to win, this fight? I'm finished without, a story There's no way for me to make some headlines, So I'm through. A story, a story, Please send me a story, My future depends on you. [ Top ] [ Index ]
They Don't Build Us Temples Anymore
(You Don't Bring Me Flowers)RA: They don't build us temples They don't sing our praises ZEUS: They hardly notice us anymore Stuck on that mountain so far from the world HERA: I remember when ... All the cosmos feared us No one dared offend us Now we're just unemployed deities ISIS: Well they just don't realize How hard it can be To find a job when you're five thousand three And they don't build us temples, anymore ZEUS: Used to be so natural HERA: (Used to be) ZEUS: Thought we'd work forever But that old thunder and lightning crap Gets really tired, before you can snap ISIS: Baby, I remember All the things we gave them RA: We gave them sun and we gave them sea HERA: Then Democracy, and the NDP ALL: So you'd think they would let us collect UIC They don't build us temples, anymore Well, you'd think they'd exempt us from the GST Z & H: And they don't say they need us R & I: They don't sing our praises ALL: They don't build us temples, anymore [ Top ] [ Index ]
One Fine Day You're Gonna Want Us For An A
(One Fine Day)One fine day / You'll want to flee Because your transcript is just / Full of C's One fine day you're gonna want us for an A (Gonna want us for an A) Those marks you long for / Although you've tried They'll be within your reach cuz / We're a free ride One fine day you're gonna need us for an A Life is hard so we / Would not blame ya For taking refuge in the past Rise and fall of Mes- / -opotamia Lets you get some sleep while your average goes up fast (Oh!) Take some courses / With no relevance And the gods will smile down / With benevolence One fine day you're gonna want a C.S. course One fine day you're gonna want a C.S. course And we know there will / Come a time When you will have to transfer down We'll be waiting for / That day my friend You'll transfer to us when marks plummet to the ground (Oh!) That fine day / Your grades will soar And you will wonder what you'd / Been waiting for One fine day you're gonna want a C.S. course One fine day you're gonna want a C.S. course [ Top ] [ Index ]
It's Fun to be a Bad Guy Anyway
(Y.M.C.A.)LOKI: Young man, won't you listen to me? I said, young man, what do you want to be? As a good guy, you must be squeaky clean. PLUTO: There's no need to be so sappy Young man, though we're booed and we're jeered I say, young man, we are not loved, we're feared ERIS: And yes, we know, that we pick jerks for friends And we always lose in the end ALL: It's fun to be a bad guy anyway It's fun to be a bad guy anyway LOKI: We do everything that we can to annoy PLUTO: We can pil-lage, maim and destroy ALL: It's fun to be a bad guy anyway It's fun to be a bad guy anyway ERIS: You can fulfill your greed LOKI: You can lie, cheat and steal ALL: You can do whatever you feel LOKI: Young man, ERIS: And the young women too Now that we're here, well the good guys are through We are brilliant, LOKI: And we're darn funny too ALL: There is no way that we can lose LOKI: Eris, and the Plutster are here ERIS: We have Loki, PLUTO: Though he is very weird LOKI: With these Norn Stones, the good-guys are gon-ers BILLY: That's why we'll win, won't we Rhonda? ALL: It's fun to be a bad guy anyway It's fun to be a bad guy anyway LOKI: We do everything that we can to annoy PLUTO: We can pil-lage, maim and destroy ALL: It's fun to be a bad guy anyway It's fun to be a bad guy anyway ERIS: You can fulfill your greed LOKI: You can lie, cheat and steal ALL: You can do whatever you feel [ Top ] [ Index ]
Exercise
(Potiphar)You've been wandering round in a daze Trying to find your way around this maze Navigating endless hallways Ad nauseum Tired, out of breath, you came to me So I brought you to the place to be 'Cause I know my way around this blee- Ding labyrinth Exercise those thunder thighs and stay away from fatt'ning pies And stretch until you're agonized and mutilate your muscles. Run in place before you chase, make sure to keep a steady pace And you will surely win this race, but only if you hustle. When you start to stretch be smart and don't tear ligaments apart and Check your loudly thumping heart beat for irregularity. If you work and do not shirk then you will certainly soon look Like Atlas and have wondrous perks like massive popularity. [ Top ] [ Index ]
Chuckie
(Memory)VENUS: Mortal Yet with unsurpassed beauty And the charm of a sun god He has forsaken me When I find him, he'll understand what power I wield And he will, begin to moan. Chuckie How could I be so lucky? To have found such a young man Why do you not love me? Is it my breath, or perhaps my underarms smell? Come to me Chuckie, come with me. Ev'ry day I long to be With you, as you scoop ice cream (But) When I'm / there, you turn and run far from me You ruin my self-esteem CHUCKIE: Venus Don't let love come between us Please don't take this the wrong way But we still can be friends VENUS: Just come with me, you'll understand what ecstasy is Come or no, you will be mine. [ Top ] [ Index ]
We're the Inspiration
(You're the Inspiration)ERATO: We think it's fairly plain to see That campus cops have hardly ever Had an hour to live that's free Since their days are filled with dang'rous crime. TERPSI.: You should try / Spread your wigs and fly Life is but a laugh, just a scream, try to smile (Billy) MUSES: We're the meaning in your life We're your inspiration Warn that if your verse gives strife Death by strangulation. EUTERPE: Gotta use your brain cell Gotta wake and smell the coffee No more parking slips, they're bad for you. MUSES: Now learn how to live a life Feel anticipation Thought and feeling in your life ERATO: Then there's copulation MUSES: When you find sombody's brains are filled with slime When you find sombody, make him use his mind. When you find somebody lost in life and rhyme When you find somebody, make him club a mime. [ Top ] [ Index ]
The Trojans
(Les Poissons (The Little Mermaid))ACHILLES: The Tro-jans, The Trojans How I hate the Trojans Want to carve and to hack at their shins. First I'll cut off their hands Then put clamps on their jaws And give 'em all Mulroney chins. [ Top ] [ Index ]
I Could Have Hammed All Night
(I Could Have Danced All Night)KIM: I could have hammed all night Kept on about my plight And made them sob and weep I could have sung to him And made the show more grim Than films with Meryl Streep [ Top ] [ Index ]
Working at Fed Hall
(Master of the House)CHRIS: Welcome, my friends / How do you do? This is the best pub / In Waterloo. LIZA: Come right on in / There's quite a crowd. Don't try to talk / The music's too loud. IRVING: Though your student fees / Pay our salaries, Before you hit the floor / Show me your ID's. IRVING: Working at Fed Hall / Guarding the front door, Throwing all the trouble makers off the floor. Breakers of the law / Disturbers of the peace. Wish that they were dealing with L.A. Police. If you're on your best behaviour, I won't have to bust your heads. It's great that I can be so Violent with the blessing of the Feds. CHRIS: Working at Fed Hall / As a guest D.J. Regulars won't recognize the tunes I play. Music to the ears / Lots of saxophones, Classics like the Beatles and the Rolling Stones. You will hear no techno-pop here. You won't catch me playing rap. I wonder if that's prudent. Students really seem to like that crap. LIZA: I used to dream / Success would be my fate. But look what happened, after I did graduate. Working at Fed Hall / Is no life for me. In Class-ical Studies, I'm a Ph.D. Serving up the slop / It's not fit to eat, Working thirteen hours, always on my feet. But I think that I've discovered The reason I had no success. I'm not educated / Cause I graduated in C.S. ALL: Working at Fed Hall. LIZA: Federation Hell. ALL: Nightclub, pub, and restaurant LIZA: And none done well. ALL: Students need a place To hang out when they're bored. LIZA: So why charge 'em prices they cannot afford? ALL: Federation built the building. Student money bought it all. Everybody give a cheer! LIZA: Students, you should shed a tear! ALL: Everybody give a cheer for the Federation Hall. [ Top ] [ Index ]
The Muses
(We [The Roches])MUSES: We guide dancers and flautists and poets (But) We never get any credit for it We're not celebrated We have no priesthood and no altars (Not one single altar) We only want some respect And the occasional holy day APOLLO: Why don't you three cut a record? And if you want, I'll manage your act You could sell more records Than Michael Jackson or Madonna (We'd outsell Madonna) A contract is what you need To make your mark in the music world MUSES: We guide dancers and flautists and poets We spell our stage name, M-U-S-E-S [ Top ] [ Index ]
Being In A FASS Show's A Delight
(There's A Light At The End Of The Tunnel)SOLO 1: CS has been reinstated. All the deities are gone. Now it is the time to sing the FASS closing song. ALL: We've arrived at the end of the FASS show. We made no claims of being a class show. Our acting might not be brilliant tonight, But the bright shining smiles on the cast show It was a "fun from the first till the last" show. It's true we might not do ev'rything right, But just being in a FASS show's a delight. Now the president said "Yes, Let's cut C.S." And the students, we confess, This did not impress. They did their best To solve this mess By summoning the god Apollo. GRP A: And the gods came down GRP B: (Lots did follow) GRP A: Down to U. of Waterloo GRP B: (What'll we do? What'll we do?) GRP A: With an Egyptian god (GRP. A: Ra! Ra! Ra) And some Norse deities going "Ja, -- Ja." ALL: Meanwhile, three gods who were like J.R. Ewing Conceived a plan that was pure evil-doing. Four Norn Stones, would transport this zone, But then the Scoops dude that Ve-nus was wooing Clobbered Lo-ki and caused their undoing. With their cover blown, they high-tailed it home. This plot puts FASS in a class all of its own. (MUSICAL BRIDGE FOR FEATURE CHOREOGRAPHY.) SOLO 2: Come next year, this hall from floor to rafter Will be filled with gales of laughter. ALL: So won't you join us as part of the FASS show. And we will make '93 an unsurpassed show. Whatever you do, FASS can make use of you, Cause that is really the point of the FASS show. It's the yearly, "we all have a blast" show. So come on, ev'ryone, Come out and have fun, Cause being in a FASS show's a delight. Good night! [ Top ] [ Index ]