Yet Another FASS
(Animaniacs)It's time for yet another FASS And the cast has all cut class The crew is simply crass And the writers are aghast It's yet another FASS! It's an annual tradition At the U. of Waterloo We're older than the Ridgid Tool And twice as hard to do We undermine authority And violate taboo The rumour that We skinned a cat Is patently untrue It's yet another FASS! We're a waste of biomass We betray our social class But our jokes are unsurpassed It's yet another FASS! It's musical and funny It's politically correct It's high in fibre, low in fat It teaches self-respect Reduces excess acid Expands the intellect With compass and a Straightedge it can Can make lines intersect It's yet another FASS! It's our job to flabbergast We've got a lot of brass So just sit back on your seat It's yet another-- Notify your brother-- Disinfect your mother-- Yet another FASS! Pass gas en masse! [ Top ] [ Index ]
Stay With Me
(Grow for Me)JIM: I called you Amanda I called you Elaine Cuz, darling, I just can't Remember your name So whoever, you are, dear Joanne, Ruth, or Lise Just please -- stay with me I called you Deanna I tried Beverley But there is no data On your secret ID Don't care if you're Vulcan Or half-Klingonese Just please -- stay with me SUSAN: You've given me jewelry and sweaters To soothe how it burns When I see you address your love letters To whom it concerns You've called me all manner of nicknames From Muffy to Bud But one thing is certain If you don't remember then Your name is gonna be -- mud JIM: I call you my honey I call you sweetheart I call you long distance When we are apart So, what's in a name, dear With feelings like these Just please -- O-o-o-o please -- stay with me! [ Top ] [ Index ]
Naughty, Naughty, Naughty
(Holy, Holy, Holy)ALL: Naughty, naughty, naughty, Violence is naughty MORRIS: Knives are bad CEMENT: And punching's wrong CHOPPER: And semi-automatic assault rifles With Teflon armor-piercing ammunition Are a sin ALL: Naughty, naughty, naughty Landmines and karate Defenestration And nitroglycerine. (AMEN) Naughty! [ Top ] [ Index ]
So Tonight
(There's A Light)FEMALE ZOMBIE: To our quiet village, Frankenstein's a blight His delights Make us all afraid He's killing off all the tourist trade So tonight ALL ZOMBIES: We're go-ing to make Frankenstein pay. FEMALE ZOMBIE: Cuz tonight ALL ZOMBIES: We're freezing Frankie's fiancee. FEMALE ZOMBIE: Yes, tonight, tonight ALL ZOMBIES: We'll be turning out the light of Frankie's life [ Top ] [ Index ]
Oh Poor Trudy
(Hot Patootie)FRANK: Lookie what's happened to my future bride First, I was in shock, I was horrified But then I found her brain hadn't really died Now I will not rest until she is revived I'll open up the fridge and there she'll be Between some old leftovers and the Sarah Lee In the biggest ZipLoc baggie that you'll ever see I'll grab a midnight snack and wish she was alive Oh poor Trudy, what a shame! I really loved that frozen dame ALL: Oh poor Trudy, what a shame! He really loved that frozen dame! [ Top ] [ Index ]
My Favourite Drinks
(My Favorite Things)Martinis dry that are shaken, not stirred Good ol' Jack Daniels that makes your eyes blurred Brown paper bags that say, "Don't drink and drive" These are a few of the drinks I've survived. Cream coloured shooters and warm apple brandies Highballs and wrenches and whiskey and shandies Sex on the beach with a bottle of rye These are a few of the drinks I have tried When exams suck, when I screw up, When my life's the shits I mix up a few of my favourite drinks And then I get to-t'ly blitzed. [ Top ] [ Index ]
Butchery Tonight
(Comedy Tonight)Soldiers are rushing Art'ries are gushing It's senseless violence And butchery tonight Soft shoe and patter Neck wounds that splatter Students speared by a lance And butchery tonight We'll sing some songs We'll speak some prose We'll pull your lungs out Up through your no-ose No use in pleading As you lie bleeding Your brutal deaths give us delight Clemency tomorrow Butchery tonight. No need to thank us We'll chop your pancreas This time, it's personal It's butchery tonight! Old Broadway show tunes And sucking chest wounds It's just a slice of life It's butchery tonight! There'll be no ifs There'll be no buts We're gonna hoof you Right in the nuts, so You'll call us meanies Cutting your spleenies We'll hack and slash All through the night! Suffering and sorrow! Over the floor-oh! Maid comes tomorrow Butchery, butchery, Butchery, butchery, Butchery...tonight! [ Top ] [ Index ]
Opening Reprise
(Animaniacs)The plot line seems to take An unexpected tragic twist With Heidi's death, or ours, If you're an existentialist Her devastated sweetheart Needs a psychoanalyst The VCR Brings stuff to life And now you've got the gist It's intermission time at FASS Have a snack or raise a glass Take a leak or make a pass At a guy with a cute ass It's intermission Time to get nutrition And for micturition Half-time now for FASS! [ Top ] [ Index ]
Charlie's Angels
(The Brady Bunch)ALL: Here's the story of three lovely ladies And we all went through Police Academy SABR.: I'm the smart one KELLY: I am classy. JILL: I've got hair S&K: (POINTING) A detective wanna be. ALL: Here's the story of a man named Charlie Solving crimes and fighting evil on his own. He had the brains, the brawn, and all the money But he was all alone! Till the one day when we ladies met this fellow And we thought we'd give this partner thing a whirl We got ourselves an intercom and office That's the reason that we all are Charlie's girls. We're Charlie's girls... We're Charlie's girls... That's the reason we all are Charlie's girls. [ Top ] [ Index ]
Dead Gang
(Chain Gang)ALL YOU ZOMBIES: Ooh. Ah. Ooh. Ah. BASS ZOMBIE: Oh, don't you know... ALL YOU ZOMBIES: That's the sound of the men Workin' on the chain gang. BASS ZOMBIE: Oh, don't you know... ALL YOU ZOMBIES: That's the sound of the men Workin' on the chain gang Ooh. Ah. Ooh. Ah. [ Top ] [ Index ]
Blood, Blood, Glorious Blood
(The Hippopotamus)The Leafs and Canadians were at centre ice One cool playoff night in July The referee pleaded for the teams to be nice The players gave this blunt reply: "We're paid by the penalty, not by the goal, We don't need to know right from wrong. We're in paradise, when there's blood on the ice." And the spectators joined in the song. Blood, blood, glorious blood Hockey's the sport of the "crunch" and the "thud". The intimidation and retaliation The exsanguination of glorious blood. We're goons and enforcers, that no one denies, From our helmets right down to our socks The three game suspension is our Pulitzer Prize We live for the penalty box. We'd rough up our mother if she crossed the line And we know that Mom understands Cuz what we believe in is, "Always get even," That's why there's a stick in your hands. Blood, blood, blood on the ice Excellent training for mayhem and vice You may think you're scary But we've faced Don Cherry There's nothing so merry as blood on the ice. [ Top ] [ Index ]
Bringing Back The 60s Tonight
(Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds)RAINBOW: Picture yourself at a mindblowing party Surrounded by people from decades gone by Norm, you did well in completing your mission The man with those hypnotized eyes Smoking a joint, making love and not war Days we remember so well Now they are back with John Lennon, Bob Dylan and more ALL: Bringing back the 60s tonight Bringing back the 60s tonight Bringing back the 60s tonight Ahh-ah! [ Top ] [ Index ]
Imagine
(Imagine)Imagine graduation No profs to satisfy A new degree to pad your Curriculum Vitae. Me And ATP (Me And Bobby McGee) Busted flat in Waterloo Filling up my brain Cramming for a midterm test on genes DNA and ribosomes, mitochondria, Amino acids making up proteins Cilia and centrioles, The Golgi Complex too Glycogen and splitting nuclei Lysosomes and chloroplasts and epithelia And all the ways a cell makes ATP Good enough for Bio 203. [ Top ] [ Index ]
Hummana Dimes Mustard Can and Ball Sly
(Blowin' in the Wind)Hummana hah musta hummana hy Before inna hah inna hah Yessin hummana hah musta hummana lie Before inna hah minna mah [ Top ] [ Index ]
Bringing Back The 60s Tonight
(Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds)LENNON: Bringing back the 60s tonight JOPLIN: Bringing back the 60s tonight DYLAN: Hummanah nah sixeeze hoonigh ALL: Ahh-ah! [ Top ] [ Index ]
Meteorologist
(Lumberjack)I'm a meteorologist and I'm all right I've got a phone and a satellite I check my maps, I look outside Computers crunch and whine But for tomorrow's forecast, Your guess is good as mine CHORUS: (REPEATS ABOVE VERSE) I'm a meteorologist and I'm okay I toss a coin, will it rain today? I'll read your palm or tarot cards Or numerology I get tornado warnings From my mom's arthritic knee CHORUS: (REPEATS ABOVE VERSE) I'm a meteorologist, I try to please And sound profound with jargonese Precipitate, high pressure fronts Unstable hot air mass And if you think I'm crazy, Then you can kiss my- [ Top ] [ Index ]
I Just Can't Wait To Play God
(I Just Can't Wait To Be King)Soon you'll all be marching to a Diff'rent drummer's beat You'll love me and you'll worship me You'll grovel at my feet I'm gonna mold and shape the world Just like a lump of clay And anyone who interferes Will simply go away I'm meaner than the ol' Marquis de Sade And I just can't wait to play god! I'll be saying "You live" I'll be saying "You die" I'll be saying "You jump" You'll be saying "How high?" You'll be doing what I say And you'll do it all my way I'm gonna have an entourage Five billion people strong The line-up for my autograph Will be a light-year long And when it comes to getting men I won't leave it to fate I'll snap my fingers, say the word And wham, we'll copulate I can have every Peter, Dick, and Rod Oh, I just can't wait to play god! Everyone will say "yes" (ZOMBIES: Yes) Everyone will say "please" (ZOMBIES: Please) Everyone will say that (ZOMBIES: That) I am the big cheese Yes, the whole world's gonna stand and applaud All my feats are gonna be ooo-ed and ah-ed If only Rimshot wasn't such a clod Oh, I just can't wait to play god! Oh, I just can't wait to play god! Oh, I just can't wait to play god! [ Top ] [ Index ]
It's Gotta Be FASS
(Heart)It's gotta be FASS Nothing else is in its class Neither Stratford's great Shakespearean fest Nor Broadway's best surpass So we took the Bard Hoisted him by his petard This year's plethora of violence and death Outdid Macbeth That's hard And Miss Saigon's helicopter Made her famous near and far Until our techies went and topped her By producing the Death Star Complete with Vader That's Theatre It's gotta be FASS Funnier than Sunday mass It's a twisted view of UW That's like a trip through the looking glass Yes, it's gotta be FASS It's gotta be FASS What a blast out of the past There's Charlie Angels, Star Trek old and new Bob Dylan too and grass Our heroes survived All their friends are now alive The Hubble Contract Lens helped make it fine Here in FASS ninety-five There's a moral to our story If a VCR you find And you're watching something gory When ejecting comes to mind If you don't do it You'll live through it It's gotta be FASS Years 'n' years 'n' years of FASS Though some people say that we'll never learn Each year, we return and we kick ass Cuz it's gotta be FASS Yes, it's gotta be FASS! [ Top ] [ Index ]