Opening Song
(YMCA)TONIGHT, we're gonna put on a play And we DON'T CARE what the critics may say Because HONEST, we're only slightly insane And we CAN MAKE YOU LAUGH A-GAIN ACTORS, who can't remember their cues. Cause the TECHIES don't know what they should do The DIRECTOR is out singing the blues. Because HE GOT STUCK WITH THIS CREW. So let's get started with F.A.S.S. You'll have a good time at F.A.S.S. We've got humour and song, we're glad we can say That you won't hear about O.J.! Are you ready for F.A.S.S. You'll get addicted to F.A.S.S. So sit and relax, And get ready to cheer What a great way to start the year. LISTEN, we've been told to tell you That the EXITS, well, they're all firmly glued And the USHERS will ignore all your shouts So you HAVE NO WAY TO GET OUT. WE SHOULD really finish our song. Cause the DOCTORS have a play to put on. We got NURSES and some psych patients too. We are HERE TO EN-TER-TAIN YOU. We're here to tell you we're F.A.S.S. We really like to spell F.A.S.S. You may have noticed our name It's been mentioned before, We're difficult to ignore We like spelling out F.A.S.S. Our favorite letters are F.A.S.S We're FASS '96 And we've got a great show Lights, camera, action, Let's GO! [ Top ] [ Index ]
Will's Problems
(Da Do Ron Ron)ELECTRODE: The only thing you need is some electric jolts CHORUS: Before you know it, your brain is fried ELECTRODE: I'm giving you a couple hundred thousand volts CHORUS: His other patients, they all have died MALES: Some electric jolts FEMALES: Hundred thousand volts ELECTRODE: And if you stay with me ... CHORUS: Your brain will soon be electrified (WILL RUNS AWAY, BUT IS GRABBED BY McCRACKIN.) McCRACK: Some people say proctologists are kind of crass CHORUS: To tell the truth, we don't like your kind McCRACKIN: We're always sticking foreign objects up your ass CHORUS: A bit unpleasant, that's what we find MALES: They are kind of crass FEMALES: Stick it up his ass McCRACKIN: You'll get it in the end CHORUS: A greasy finger in your behind (WILL RUNS AWAY, BUT IS GRABBED BY BOBBITT.) BOBBITT: The first thing that I do is cut the naughty bits CHORUS: The naughty bits are a lot of fun BOBBITT: Then I give you silicone prosthetic tits CHORUS: And Female hormones like estrogen FEMALES: Yeah, those naughty bits MALES: Yeah, prosthetic tits BOBBITT: And if you stay with me... CHORUS: You'll be a female before she's done MALES: You'll be a female before she's done FEMALES: A greasy finger in your behind MALES: Your brain will soon be electrified WILL: O God, get me the hell out of here. [ Top ] [ Index ]
A Whole New Vein
(A Whole New World)HYDE: I can show you a spleen Pulsing, quivering, dripping Come on, nurse let's go ripping Into somebody's insides I can open him wide Reach in, over, and under Toss his organs asunder To see underneath his hide. CHAPLIPS: A whole new vein A new fantastic artery Oh, how it makes me blush To see it gush I love to watch the bleeding. A whole new vein Spouting spurting, hemorrhaging I love your skillful cuts They spill his guts When you operate, you make me want to sing. HYDE: When I operate, I make her heart go zing. BOTH: There'll be blood everywhere We're quite a pair Let me share this whole new vein with you. CHAPLIPS: A whole new way (HYDE: A whole new way) To operate (HYDE: To operate) A surgeon's blade HYDE: A nurse gets laid BOTH: Let's fornicate! [ Top ] [ Index ]
Won't Matter Who We Fire
(We Didn't Start the Fire)Billy Davis, Bobbie Rae, Frank Miller, They're OK. Downsizing, rationalizing Unions are upset GST, sales tax. Watch how labour reacts. Raise tuition, tax nutrition Place your legal bets Single mothers being taxed Dance departments being axed Welfare, workfare. Clinton drops Medicare Milton Friedman, p test, Save the rich; Screw the rest Forecast price inflation And rising expectation Mike Harris is no liar We know that you deplore him, But you voted for him. Debt just keeps climbing higher You elected PC's Now you're in the feces Waterloo, U of T, York University Brock, Queens, They may plead. Too bad, make 'em bleed Ryerson, Laurier Their funding's blown away They've no hope, out of rope Hell we'd even tax the Pope. Don't rely on tenure; It won't defend ya Students and faculty Fork out, pay more fees, Tax cuts, we've the guts Is this province going nuts? We can't pay this rising debt; I don't think you get it yet Won't matter who we fire They can try to fight it, But they're going to bite it. There's no money for your pensions. You only lent it But we've gone and spent it. Higher priced cigarettes, Still no jobs for graduates. High fees, Job squeeze. Implement wage freeze, Ronald Reagan, Ralph Klein: Terror on the bread line Civil service decimated My own mom's been terminated Fading fortunes, crazy debts, Social contract, deficits Sinking low, losing dough, John Crow forced to go, Lower funding for defence, Pay toilets in the gents, Raise the price of downtown rents We just call it "common sense" Debt just keeps climbing higher Now we want to fight it, So you're going to bite it. Now we've sung our song, though we could go on and on, and on ... [ Top ] [ Index ]
Vampire Boys
(Glamour Boys)STAT: This glamour boy's out of the coffin This glamour boy's ACULA: out of control STAT: No more black, no more dark and ugly I've got style, and I've got a goal. I love your eyes, you must be a Winter You should wear lime, it's really in this year You've got great hair, maybe you should grow it Say hello, fashion, and say good-bye to fear. Yeah ... [ Top ] [ Index ]
I Am Doctor Who
(When I'm Sixty-Four)If I get crushed by sixteen ton weights I get right back up If I end up murdered by a ninja horde I'm only dead 'til I get bored Death is a bitch, and then you live That's my point of view I am quite brilliant and quite resilient Cuz I'm Doctor Who I think this is great No matter what my fate I regenerate Driving my TARDIS through time and space All dimensions, too An intergalactic roller coaster ride My companions there at my side Fighting the Daleks time and again That is what I do I am a Timelord, no, not a crime lord I am Doctor Who [ Top ] [ Index ]
A Villainess, Part I
(The Life I Lead)NEAU: A villainess must be a psychotic A fanatic, a shrew, a cliche She must be evil through and through With high IQ Let's face it, she's no Doris Day [ Top ] [ Index ]
A Villainess, Part II
(The Life I Lead)NEAU: It's grand to be a villainess in ninety-six To have a master plan Like in James Bond flicks I'll be queen of the hospital, head honcho, the boss I'll use each subject -- doctor, patient, nurse -- as human guinea pigs It's no great loss. [ Top ] [ Index ]
A Villainess, Part III
(The Life I Lead)NEAU: A villainess must be free of warmth and goodness Her heart and soul must be as black as pitch She scorns what's on the up `n` up She's thoroughly corrupt Let's face it, she's a goddamn bitch [ Top ] [ Index ]
A Villainess, Part IV
(The Life I Lead)WHO: A villainess can't be Administrator The very thought just makes me want to gag Four out of five doctors prefer You do not pick her Dr. Neau's fanatic, psychotic, despotic In short, Adolf Hitler in drag [ Top ] [ Index ]
Hospital Life
(Crocodile Rock)NURSES: We remember when health care thrived Doctors cared about who survived And heart beats and vital signs They were watched more closely than the bottom lines DOCTORS: And the only cuts we ever made They were the work of a surgeon's blade So while other jobs were full of stress and strife We were feeling like healing. That's the Hospital Life. PATIENTS: Well, hospital living Is unforgiving When they don't know what ails you The docs run ev'ry test in the book And they still don't have a clue BUREAU.: They use MRI's and EKG's To try and find your dread disease Cuz another patient death will increase insurance fees ALL: La la-la-la-la la la-la la-la la-la-la-la-la la NURSES: But the years went by and the budgets fell The medical profession went straight to Hell Doctors were fleeing to the U.S.A. Claiming they couldn't live on their OHIP pay DOCTORS: We remember hearing Tories swear If elected, they would spare health care Now they slash with each bill they pass Join us all in calling Premier Mike an ass. PATIENTS: Well, it's Harris bashing It's premier trashing Ontario's fav'rite sport His Tories cut a billion bucks Put health care on life support BUREAU.: Oh, it's time we change our policies Let's introduce those user fees Or just take the money from the un-i-ver-si-ties ALL: La la-la-la-la la la-la la-la la-la-la-la-la la [ Top ] [ Index ]
Queen Of Pain
(Luck Be A Lady Tonight)Neau is the new queen of pain A bitch with a Mike Harris brain She's a physician with ambition on a mission If you want to live, don't complain Neau fired all our best staff Cut all our pay cheques in half We're in transition from tradition to sedition We've all been getting the shaft The patients have been overcrowded Three to a bed, four to a chair As all the cutbacks kick in, they sicken and die The Nazis had better health care Game shows in emergency Soap operas in surgery Neau's new additions, like musicians and magicians It's health care for cable TV [ Top ] [ Index ]
You're A Woman, Too
(I'll Be There For You (Friends' Theme))BOBBITT: For far too long, you men have been running things your way The world's a mess; I guess we'll blame your DNA You'll change your tune now that you're weinerless As you suffer buying bras, giving birth, and of course, PMS. FRIEDA: Now you're a woman too WHO: I will pee sitting down FRIEDA: A new Doctor Who WHO: I'll look great in a gown FRIEDA: The men will love you But, hey, that's Waterloo BOBBITT: You will learn to overcome the obstacles men place Get used to being seen as figure, legs, and face WHO: But women can't stay stuck in second class So grab a man by the balls and give him a swift kick in the ass FRIEDA: Yes, you're a woman, too WHO: I could bash men all night FRIEDA: A new point of view WHO: I can claw, scratch, and bite ALL: Kiss manhood adieu And be a woman too. [ Top ] [ Index ]
Voices In My Head
(Colours of the Wind)I tried working as a mime in a blind school I tried mountain-climbing in Saskatchewan They say that I'm not living in the real world That the world I'm living in's a Disney song Have you ever been abducted by a UFO? Seen Elvis Presley come back from the dead? Is the Loch Ness monster living in your bathtub? Do you listen to the voices in your head? Me, I listen to the voices in my head. Oh, the prophets tell me what to do and where to go They told me I should overthrow the Feds Now I get to fight alongside superheroes And take pills in pretty yellows, blues, and reds Cuz I listened to the voices in my head [ Top ] [ Index ]
Fight Song
(One Jump Ahead)VILLAINS: Don'tcha know I love being a villain I love inspiring fear FASS found a perfect part for me this year HEROES: Oh, really? HEROES: We fight for honour and justice We're good and we're gonna win Those guys don't understand the trap they're in MacGYVER: Duct tape! Door mat! Scissors! Take that! HEROES: Why don't we play nice, guys? VILLAINS: Rip their hearts out! Be precise, guys! VILLAINS: They're too cute to win. They don't have the balls They don't have a hope in hell! HEROES: Well? WHO & NEAU: Good and evil, it's an epic battle Everyone will have to choose a side There'll be no more fences left to straddle ALL: Gotta win the war! Gotta fight to win! HEROES: Give up now, we see you're petrified. VILLAINS: We want a brutal encounter We'll make your organs emerge We've got a random psychopathic urge HEROES: That's too bloody and violent We're in a family play We win our fights with witty repartee HEROES: Heroes! VILLAINS: Villains! HEROES: Get'em! VILLAINS: Kill 'em! WHO: Neau must be defeated. NEAU: Not before my plan's completed. VILLAINS: Gonna hold you down! Gonna rip you up! Gonna frolic in your goo! HEROES: Ew! VILLAINS: We've still got some surprises HEROES: (Heroes!) Oh please, you're so impolite VILLAINS: (Villains!) HEROES: Attack with all of your power VILLAINS: (Get'em!) Stand back, 'cause we didn't shower HEROES: (Kill'em!) ALL: Here goes, weapon escalation Torso ventilation No one's gonna win this fight! [ Top ] [ Index ]
This is FASS
(Let it Snow)Oh, the jokes in the show were frightful But the songs were so delightful Well, we know we ain't got no class This is Fass, this is Fass, this is Fass. [ Top ] [ Index ]
Closing Song
(Joy to the World)Dr. Jekyll was a surgeon, Also Mr. Hyde. Dr. Neau was a raving egomaniac, With Reeves sniv'ling at her side While Dr. Who took each death in stride. Hey Waterloo, You are the chosen few. Faculty, Alumni, Staff, and Students, too, We did it all for you. Superheroes in the psych ward, Vampires in the morgue. Ninjas, amoeba, Dr. Bobbitt and Sperm, Lucien Bouchard, and the Borg. Hey Waterloo Now the cast and crew, Are gonna put their makeup and their costumes away And party til the break of day. Yawning Patients were exploding Cause of Neau's infectious games But five Dr. Whos dragged her into the sun, And they all went up in flames. But their sacrifice was not in vain. Hey Waterloo. What'cha gonna do? Are you gonna be a part of FASS next year? We'd love to have you here. (REPEAT) [ Top ] [ Index ]