Come See the Show
(You Oughta Know)FASS will reveal to you life at UW From King Arthur to a strange rendezvous Another FASS show's begun And we're having more fun Than anyone should have in a theatre And all the ladies and lords Are gonna sharpen the swords To finally bring you a show like no other And we trashed every class doing FASS We won't pass so we'll have to transfer to some other faculty Dance! And every night throughout the month We have cursed every verse at rehearsal Until we cried, 'til we cried, But we have survived This is FASS, and we want you To enjoy the show that we've got this year Yes, it's FASS and we need you And your eight bucks to pay for the beer You, you, you see the show. You will like the sets, they were built by techs They've done lights and sound, and special effects We've got some talented techs, although they are nervous wrecks You gotta understand that they are a danger And please give us a hand for our incredible band Even though rhythm to them is a stranger. And we trashed every class doing FASS We won't pass so we'll have to transfer to some other faculty Dance! And every night throughout the month We have cursed every verse at rehearsal Until we cried, 'til we cried, But we have survived This is FASS and we want you To sit back, relax, and enjoy the show Yes, we're FASS and we've brought you One of the best shows in Ontario We hope you love the show. [ Top ] [ Index ]
Premier Mike
(The Grinch Song)You're Ontario, Premier Mike Tough as Canadian Shield Your soul's as dark as Timmins' mines, You have Guelph's sex appeal, Premier Mike With a heart as hard as Hamiltonian steel You're a golf pro, Premier Mike And you've teed us off, you yutz You don't do things the fair way, You slice with every cut, Premier Mike You're gonna sink this province like a thirty-nine-and-a-half foot putt You'll destroy us, Premier Mike You're worse than a locust swarm You've dumbed down education, And you botched welfare reform, Premier Mike You're so cold that you make even Kapuskasing feel warm [ Top ] [ Index ]
Wizard Merlin
(Mr. Sandman)Wizard Merlin, send us a king Make him a ruler whose praises we'll sing Someone who's brave like good old King Uther And certainly less evil than Lex Luthor Merlin, we're of one voice Let hocus-pocus help make the choice And with a zip-zap-ka-zing Wizard Merlin, send us a king Wizard Merlin, send us a liege Give him what he wants; it's noblesse oblige Let him be monarch and Lord Protector As well as fire chief and meat inspector Merlin, cast us a spell Without a king, we're going to Hell Once again, we must beseech Wizard Merlin, send us a liege Wizard Merlin, send us a king Then let our enemies feel Camelot's sting We'll march through Europe attackin' and siegin' Each Frenchman, German, Scot, Dane, and Norwegian Wizard Merlin, you're our best hope If you were Catholic, we'd make you the Pope So let's see what your magic brings Wizard Merlin, send us a king [ Top ] [ Index ]
King Arthur Song, Part I
(Brady Bunch)HELENA: Here's the story of a King named Arthur On a quest to do deeds that would gain him fame. BETTE: So the first thing that he did was kill a woman And Bertha was her name. [ Top ] [ Index ]
King Arthur Song, Part II
(Brady Bunch)MARION: Here's the story of a king named Arthur Who let Sir Lancelot boink Guinevere Then he slept with Morgan who was his half-sister He's not too bright, that's clear-- [ Top ] [ Index ]
King Arthur Song, Part III
(Brady Bunch)Till the one day when King Arthur met good Robin Whose Merry Men did like to wear green tights Since both men had been played by Sean Conn'ry They joined forces to become the Merry Knights The Merry Knights, the Merry Knights That's the way they all became the Merry Knights [ Top ] [ Index ]
The Royal Nookie Chambers
(Wells Fargo Wagon)ALL: Oh, in the Royal Nookie Chambers, There'll be fun galore tonight Do whatever turns you on Cuz in the Royal Nookie Chambers, We're all gonna score tonight It's an orgy of sex from dusk till dawn SINGER 1: We have a big four poster bed you can be tied to SINGER 2: And whips and chains sure to leave you raw SINGER 3: Maybe you want goats or sheep or chickens SINGER 4: Or two french girls who will join you in a menage a trois ALL: Oh, yes, the Royal Nookie Chambers Are a great facility With something for ev'ryone And in the Royal Nookie Chambers, Serfs and nobility Yes, they all come together when they come SINGER 5: Oh, do you want to watch the action through a peep hole? SINGER 6: Do you desire a sapphic romance? SINGER 7: Are you relatively into incest? SINGER 8: And is the horizontal mambo what you want to dance? ALL: Oh, yes, the Royal Nookie Chambers are a busy place They are now the kingdom's hottest hot spot You could have a knight, a lady, or a peasant farmer Or you could have (Yes, you could have, if you're lucky, then you could have) The royal king of (Yes, that's Arthur, he's the king of, horny king of) Camelot [ Top ] [ Index ]
Obligatory Lesbian Love Song
(King Herod's Song)KATE: Guinevere, I'm overjoyed To hold you in my arms I'm afraid I can't resist Succumbing to your charms This may sound queer Cuz I can't be straight Oh, Guinevere, I love you so Please let me demonstrate GUINEVERE: Wait, I don't understand Don't we still need a man? Oh, who will lead when we dance? Most of all, who'll wear the pants? Yes, who'll be my king? And just what would go "schwing?" Aren't we missing something? KATE: Guinevere, when you're with me We'll both have equal rights Won't be damsels in distress To please some macho knights We'll love each other With one heart and soul Best of all, We have no need for using birth control GUINEVERE: Kate, it's you that I choose Let's wear comfort'ble shoes Men don't please me very much I desire a woman's touch You're the girl of my dreams I'm the new fairy queen C'mon, and kiss me, Kate [ Top ] [ Index ]
Sir Gawaine: the Orkney Knight
(Skimbleshanks: the Railway Cat)Sir Gawaine, the Orkney knight A knight of the table round Gawaine found himself conveyed To a world he never made Trapped at UW all alone So this knight in shining armour Sought to find a girl and charm her And you're that lucky lady, sweet Simone Now Gawaine's had wives a-plenty I remember at least twenty All of whom hated him more or less Which means either he's unlucky Or that sex with him is yucky But still his love for you I must express You'd be worshipped without fail Like you were the Holy Grail You'd be more cherished than Ex-calibur And to avoid your wrath He would even take a bath There is nothing he would not endure But alas, Simone, it is not to be And Gawaine is overwrought Cuz he must leave you Here in Waterloo And return to Camelot [ Top ] [ Index ]
I Have a Plan
(Original Music)LOT: Ten years ago, King Arthur took the throne, And for such a little wimp he did all right. But now he's gone and conquered all of Britain, We don't have any enemies to fight. PEL: We can't afford more soldiers. KAY: We've had too much blood and guts. LOT: So tell me where's the glory, pray, in sitting on our butts? I, Sir Lot, as Minister of War, have a plan. What this country needs is a war to prove her military might And show those heathen foreigners who's best. From Scotland to Gibraltar to the shores of Tripoli, Britannia shall clobber all the rest! Am I the only one with any guts round here? Let's go out there and give it all we've got; The two of you are shaking in your boots with fear, And I'm the only one who knows what's best for Camelot! PEL: King Arthur took the throne ten years ago, And promptly spent the country into debt; But as sure as my name's Pellinore, I'm sure That I'll balance that confounded budget yet! KAY: Your cuts will hurt the peasants. LOT: It's a bunch of poppycock. PEL: At least I'd like to get this stupid castle out of hock! I, Sir Pellinore, as Minister of Finance, have a plan. What this country needs is a firm hand on the economic reins, Not the ravings of a warhawk and a crank; We need bloodthirst and compassion to be tempered with some brains Or we'll end up owing millions to the bank. Am I the only one with any sense round here? We're spending cash we haven't even got; The two of you have overspent again this year; I'm the only one who knows what's best for Camelot! [ Top ] [ Index ]
Modern University
(Modern Major-General)CINDY: It is the very model of a modern university Located in a very nice and easy-to-endure city It offers many subjects from Accounting through Zoology For both the fourth year cynics and the frosh who cry "Gosh! Golly gee!" I often find my courses so delightful and enjoyable Despite the fact they don't make me a smidgen more employable But when it comes to Stats class, my brain shuts down and cycles off The only thing more boring is a co-op term at Microsoft CHORUS: The only thing more boring is a co-op term at Microsoft The only thing more boring is a co-op term at Microsoft The only thing more boring is a co-op term at Micro-micro-soft CINDY: Though its internal politics are quite the cloak-and-dagger scene It still gets rated highly by the folks at Maclean's magazine In short, when parents want a school to send their son or daughter to There's simply not a better choice than good old U of Waterloo CHORUS: In short, when parents want a school to send their son or daughter to There's simply not a better choice than good old U of Waterloo CINDY: It is the very model of a modern university A campus full of buildings of an infinite diversity While some are simple in design like Physics and Optometry The steps in Needles Hall defy Euclidean geometry UW is famous for its nightmares architectural Like both the Davis Centre and the Engineering Lecture Hall And don't forget that Hagey Hall and that maze Psychology Are drug-induced experiments in Escher-like topology CHORUS: They're drug-induced experiments in Escher-like topology They're drug-induced experiments in Escher-like topology They're drug-induced experiments in Escher-like topolo-polo-gy CINDY: Unless you get tuition paid by scholarship or bursary You won't be out of debt before your golden anniversary And should you fail to graduate, the registrar says "Sorry, eh. You'll have to leave UW and go to Wilfrid Laurier" CHORUS: And should you fail to graduate, the registrar says "Sorry, eh. You'll have to leave UW and go to Wilfrid Laurier" [ Top ] [ Index ]
We Won't Let You Ignore Us
(We're Not Gonna Take It)ALL: Oh, you claim you adore us! But you're never there for us! We won't let you ignore us, anymore! GWEN: I like Oktoberfesting While you prefer Grail-questing Something must give, push come to shove ISOLDE: And when I'm wanting foreplay You're only thinking swordplay If you make war, we don't make love ALL: Oh, we're not gonna take it! No, we ain't gonna fake it! Oh, you won't see us naked, anymore! DEBBIE: Became a twisted sister To try and please you, mister You've a mother superior complex ALL: Forget these underworld friends Remember we're your girlfriends You don't choose us; you don't get sex Oh-oh-oh! Oh-oh-oh! GWEN: No crime! (Yeah!) No war! (Yeah!) Make time! (Yeah!) You'll score! (Yeah!) ALL: Oh, we're not gonna date you! But we might just castrate you! No, we're not gonna mate you, anymore! Oh, we're not gonna take it! No, we ain't gonna fake it! Oh, you won't see us naked, anymore! No way!!! [ Top ] [ Index ]
The Day The Kingdom Died
(American Pie)ARTHUR: Thirty-five years ago I can still remember how I pulled that sword out of the stone And all the peasants clapped and cheered I thought that it was kind of weird Til Merlin told me I had won the throne I gathered all the knights in armour Brought peace to each and ev'ry farmer I united Britain Or so the tale is written I was sexu'ly satisfied When Guinevere said she'd be my bride But that happiness was denied The day the kingdom died So ALL: Hear, hear, Camelot's disappeared The round table was unable to protect us this year We're drownin' our sorrows in pretzels and beer Singin' "Someday, this will all reappear Yes, Camelot will reappear" MERLIN: I can see a future time Where you're remembered in prose and rhyme Arthur, Lancelot, and the queen Yes, there'll come a day in the USA When you'll be compared to JFK Have stories on both TV and movie screens There's a film where you're stopped by police With Sir Lancelot played by John Cleese And King Arthur will revive To appear on Babylon 5 On the Broadway stage, you all sing and dance Do production numbers when you get the chance My god, it's gonna be worse than France Again, the kingdom dies And we'll be singing ALL: Hear, hear, Camelot's disappeared The round table was unable to protect us this year We're drownin' our sorrows in pretzels and beer Singin' "Someday, this will all reappear Yes, Camelot will reappear" [ Top ] [ Index ]
Closing Song
(Take On Me)Arthurian knights, Little green men, and some miscues, Cute guys in tights, And lots of damsels for them to rescue. Yes! That was FASS, A show that's older than it's cast. We can act -- What's my line? We can dance -- In the back row. We can sing -- Oh, we can sing high.... We showed you Sir Kay, Excalibur, the Grail, and Sir Percy, Morgan le Fay, And helpless students begging for mercy. You've even seen, Some jokes that started out in nineteen sixteen We can act -- What's my line? We can dance -- In the back row. We can sing -- Oh, we can sing high.... That was the show, It wasn't penned by Andrew Lloyd Webber. But you should know, The script was finished in mid-December. It may be raw, But at least it didn't star Madonna. We can act -- What's my line? We can dance -- In the back row. We can sing -- Oh, we can sing high.... [ Top ] [ Index ]