Enjoying FASS '99
(Stuck In the Middle With You)Well, we all know why you came here tonight, Be you FASS veteran or neophyte We're so glad, to see you paid for your seats, To see all our acting and musical feats, Call it conspiracy, say that's it a plot But you're here, enjoying FASS '99, Yes you're here, watching FASS '99, And we'll guarantee you'll have a good time, You will never fall asleep in your chair, Our jokes are deadly, so you better beware Call it conspiracy, say that it's a plot But you're here, enjoying FASS '99 Well there's conspiracy hunters Seeking truth at U of Waterloo, And the campus grounds are crawling With spies and agents cuz it's FA-A-ASS! FA-A-ASS! The scientists are watching the skies Meanwhile the cultists are deceived by lies A building that comes out of nowhere We can tell you that the truth's way out there Call it conspiracy, say that it's a plot But you're here, enjoying FASS '99 Well we love to put a show on At the good old U of Waterloo So forget about your midterms Put your books away cuz it's FA-A-ASS FA-A-ASS Well, we're think you're in for quite the night, And we hope to hear you squeal with delight, So relax, and settle in for a laugh, Take a pee before the second half, Call it conspiracy, say that it's a plot But you're here, enjoying FASS '99 Yes, you're enjoying FASS '99 Enjoying FASS '99 [ Top ] [ Index ]
Parents' Lament
(Embassy Lament)Oh, my god, a deadly comet's coming We're all doomed to die if we do nothing This could mean the end of this great planet So we had to find a way to save our very sweet and lovely daughter We are sure she'll understand it Since this catapult can reach Earth orbit Death's claim on our daughter has been thwarted Into outer space, we'll launch our baby If we add a photograph that shows a happy three of us then maybe She will remember who her parents are And on her flight through space, she'll be Safe from the fate we can't avoid That justifies these drastic measures We are overjoyed Cuz she will survive when Earth's destroyed. [ Top ] [ Index ]
We Love This Job
(You Sexy Thing)We could do this nine to five (At) Union wage We love this job If they keep us overtime (then) It's double pay We love this job How did we get this lucky? What morning star did follow us? I never thought that I could be so handy But now my touch is sweeter than candy Yesterday I was one of the jobless people Now I'm working in the sun Having lots of fun We love working way up high We touch the sky See the whole town I've got acrophobia (I'm) Afraid of heights, I don't look down It isn't always rosy There are some times I'd like to quit From this work, my body's sore and aching Is it worth the money we're making. Even though we face trials and tribulations Others have it worse today Look at Jean Charest [ Top ] [ Index ]
Kowtowing
(Tubthumping)GROUP A: We are Wacko That's a fact. Oh. We are Wacko ALL: We will bow down to the Enlightened One The coolest cult leader around He makes a sound and we interpret it As meaning something quite profound We parse each noun and ev'ry adjective In his words, hidden truths are found So we bow down to the Enlightened One The only cult leader in town SOLOIST: You tell us what to do We pledge our lives to you ONE: They came en masse to me They gave their cash to me Became attached to me They pay my tax for me I choose the folks who'll believe in what I pronouce I choose the dolts who'll increase what's in my bank accounts GROUP B: Enlightened One Guiding Sun He's no bum ALL: We will obey without a second thought Ev'rything the One has to say He'll get his way or like a little brat He'll cry and take his ball away Hip hip hooray! No independent thought The One has made free will passé So we obey the great Enlightened One As a cult, we are so cliché [ Top ] [ Index ]
If I Were a Hit Man
(If I Were A Rich Man)If I were a hit man With a rat-a-tat-a-tat-a rat-a-tat-a bang ka-boom All day long, I'd send folks to their doom Trying hard to meet demand I wouldn't kill for profit Not a rat-a-tat-a-tat-a rat-a-tat-a bang ka-ching I'd work for the cagey KGB Never ever earning anything I would get my orders direct from the Kremlin To kill enemies of the state Anytime the politburo got the urge Be it authors writing about human rights Or priests who are preaching God is great That's the time for a good old Sov-yet purge I would never question whether it's wrong or right To be the premier's iron fist I would only want to keep my fam'ly fed I'd wonder why the dissidents would rebel When it just makes the government pissed Don't they know that it's better red than dead? If I were a hit man With a rat-a-tat-a-tat-a rat-a-tat-a bang ka-pow I'd be loved and honoured in Moscow Ev'ry bureaucrat my fan But is that what I'm wanting? All that rat-a-tat-a-tat-a rat-a-tat-a bang ka-blam Or should I stick to the current plan And remain the simple spy I am? Could I live with what the job demands? Would I be a happy man? [ Top ] [ Index ]
The Mission
(Tradition)BORIS: Who picks the team and chooses the objective Keeps things cost-effective, And takes all the blame? And who can punish insubordination By giving KGB your name? ALL: The leader! The leader. The mission! The leader! The leader. The mission! OLGA: Who must know the way to fire all the guns The little guns, the great big guns? Who can shoot the enemy straight through the head And thus ensuring they are really dead? ALL: The sniper! The sniper. The mission! The sniper! The sniper. The mission! YURI: And me, I do cryptography But I don't do it well So if there's any codes to break I hope they're easy KATERINA: And who makes all the bombs that make things go ka-boom? Who loves to watch them blow up just like a big mushroom? ALL: The bomber! The bomber. The mission! BORIS: The leader! OLGA: Sniper! YURI: Codes! KATERINA: The bomber! ALL: The mission! [ Top ] [ Index ]
Regrets
(My Heart Will Go On)JAMIE: Every night, I'd party, and get drunk, and throw up Each morning, a pounding headache Then I'd take two asp'rin, and skip all my classes Do you think I made a mistake? PAULINE: Worked, slaved. That's how I behaved In pursuit of my C.S. degree No fun, no special someone So I'm asking you now CARRIE: While I showed a passion for new styles in fashion I never showed my friends I care No more playing Prom Queen, my true self will be seen But first let me go fix my hair DAVE: You, me. Could be heavenly If you gave me a roll in the hay Say yes, you'll have no regrets Cuz if there's no tomor- row, why wear a condom today? ALL: We're doomed when Earth is consumed So the time for regret's almost gone No doubt, can't drone on about What went right or went wrong Cuz this song would go on and on [ Top ] [ Index ]
We're Facing Disaster
(Walking on Sunshine)We used to think we'd live forever, now we know that we're wrong But we'll do Armageddon with style, so c'mon, sing along Cuz even though we're facing oblivion, there's a bright side, my friend We're never gonna have to write another midterm again Oh, we're facing disaster (Whoa oh) The end's coming faster (Whoa oh) We wish we were plastered (Whoa oh) Cuz baby we're screwed (Hey) (We're toast now) Oh yeah, we are screwed (Hey) (Yeah) The end of the world as we know it's at twelve o'clock high That's when ev'ry man, woman, and child is goin' bye-bye So wherever you live, be it Moscow, Chicago, or Guam There's no hope of surviving the aliens, comet, and bomb (Oh yeah) Aliens are massing. (Oh no) he comet comes crashing (Oh no) The bomb keeps on flashing (Oh no) And baby, we're screwed (Yeah) (It's over) Don't mean to be rude (Oh) (no no) But boy, are we screwed! [ Top ] [ Index ]
Isn't it Heroic
(Ironic)A young man, a science geek, (Got) bit by a spi^der, and became a freak His uncle died, later that same week But his situation, is not that unique. And isn't he heroic...so to speak We can fly, up up and away Use our eyes, to make a heat ray (And) when fired at us, watch bullets ricochet That is because...we're heroes. My super powers, they're sure to astound I'm the strongest woman, measured pound for pound Leap a tall building in a single bound And I run a bit faster (you know) than the speed of sound 'Cuz I am heroic...I'll expound We will fight to stop villain slime We all help take a bite out of crime (If) you break the law, you'll get caught ev'ry time That is because ... we're heroes. [ Top ] [ Index ]
Please, Ultra Woman
(But Mr. Adams)GLORIA: Oh, my captain, I think you should start off After all, you did invade our country first KEN: Is that so? Well, you know the plan of action To give us a distraction Before this presidential mess gets worse UW: Yes, I know GLORIA: And I think you could do it, darling, with ease UW: Hell, no KEN: Oh, please, Ultra Woman, please UW: No KEN: Please UW: No KEN: Please UW: No KEN: Ultra Woman, please, Ultra Woman We simply need your help to make the people care again There's been one scandalous impeachment; can't go there again If you refuse, you are just downright un-American OTHERS: Un-American, un-American, that's what he says she is GLORIA: Comrade Boris, I guess you're the next one So step right up and reveal your master plan BORIS: Okay, da UW: But I will refuse to do it. There may be nothing to it. But communists are evil, I understand BORIS: Oh, p-shaw GLORIA: But I think you should listen, darling, think fees UW: Good heavens, no! BORIS: Oh, please, Ultra Woman, please UW: No BORIS: Please UW: No BORIS: Please UW: No BORIS: Ultra Woman, please, Ultra Woman Don't let the U.S. rule the world and walk all over it. Cuz the Russian Revolution is not over yet Until my friends and I bring back the Supreme Soviet OTHERS: Supreme Soviet, Supreme Soviet, they want to bring it back GLORIA: Now, my ninja friends, maybe you should talk quick She's a cranky girl cuz baby needs her nap UW: I do not MAKO: But if I make a proposition She'll state her opposition OTHERS: Do world powers really need to take this crap? UW: Was that a shot? GLORIA: Oh straighten up and listen, darling, don't tease UW: If you say so MAKO: Oh, please, dear Ultra Woman, please UW: No MAKO: Please UW: No MAKO: Please UW: No HIKARU: Ultra Woman, please, Ultra Woman We've been in bad shape since the economic slide began But a box office hit can earn a mint in ev'ry land Starring Godzilla versus you to help us save Japan OTHERS: Japan, Japan, Godzilla's going to save the land NASH: Everyone, leave her alone! Oh, Ultra Woman, my dear Ultra Woman You've turned downed offers here from ev'ry nationality So now I offer you myself in all totality And wanting nothing but to make our love reality OTHERS: Make love reality, make love reality, make love realiti– NASH: (Spoken) Quiet! UW: Sweet reporter, my sweet ace reporter With both you and superpowers, I feel doubly blessed My life has just begun but I know I'll spend the rest OTHERS: Spend the rest UW: Walking side by side with you in eternal happiness OTHERS: Happiness, happiness, we wish you all the best! [ Top ] [ Index ]
Oktoberfest Song
(The Beer Barrel Polka)Ev'ry October All over KW No one is sober All drunk on good German brew When it's all over We dry out, then shed a tear Let's make ev'ry month October And be drunk all year [ Top ] [ Index ]
Wa Wa Waterloo
(Rasputin)We came to this campus to obtain a bomb, Not found on the web at blow-it-up-dot-com With such a deadly weapon under our control Restoring Sov-yet Union would be easy goal Then along came this clumsy detective The kind no sane man would hire Now the bomb is certified defective Not what we desired Wa Wa Waterloo No one really had a clue That we'd lose the Doomsday Device Wa Wa Waterloo We lost Ultra Woman too Those Americans will soon pay the price Now it's time for us to launch yet another plan All in the name of our glorious motherland We bribed Oktoberfesters with sausage and beer It was their reward for getting us in here Then Poor Greta drank sulfuric acid And she collapsed on the floor Now she's looking really rather placid She can polka no more Wa Wa Waterloo So far, we are oh-for-two But we can't just sit here and moan Wa Wa Waterloo We know what we have to do We'll build a heroine of our own Wa Wa Waterloo Give her strength and beauty, too And sensitivity, that makes sense Wa Wa Waterloo One more thing before we're through Add a certain childlike innocence [ Top ] [ Index ]
We Three Nerds
(We Three Kings)We three nerds watch Sci-Fi with glee Base our lives on shows that we see Full of wonder, full of thunder, Full of bad plots, like "V" Oh ship of glory, ship of grace, Trav'ling through an endless space Go exploring, never boring, Nothing is commonplace. We watch battles fought 'till they're won Heroes shine, like light from the sun. Shooting lasers, firing phasers, None of them set to stun. Oh ship of glory, ship of grace, Ship that pounds like Heimdall's mace, Force our credos, fire torpedoes. Wipe out an alien race. Star Trek films we think are quite great 'Specially two, seven, and eight Khan was lying, Jim Kirk's dying, Borg that assimilate. Oh ship of glory, out of place, Ship that vanished, left no trace, Will and Judy, Smith was snooty, They were all Lost in Space Logan's Run, Red Dwarf, and Kung Fu, Battlestar Galactica too. Buffy creeping, Quantum Leaping, Don't forget Doctor Who. [ Top ] [ Index ]
FASS '99
(Get Over It)We put on a show theatrically About an interstellar conspiracy The faculty, alumni, staff and student body too Plotted together to bring this show to you Engineering, Arts, Science, and Math All happily conspired to make you laugh FASS '99! You saw us shine! Actors singing and dancing, not botching a line FASS '99! One of a kind! The scientists predicted that the comet soon would crash While the doomsday device would turn Earth into ash With conspiracy hunters and cultists galore And Yanks and Russians who brought back cold war Add Ultra Woman, aliens, ninjas, marines And then wrap it all up in one final scene FASS '99! Tales intertwined! If you could follow the plot, you're a real Einstein! FASS '99! It warped your mind! We missed all of our midterms, flunking each and ev'ry class But being on stage is really a blast Some call it dumb, but we call it FASS Ya! Ya! Ya! Ya! So, did you chuckle from beginning to end? Did we entertain you? Did we make a new friend? Now the writers and production staff and the whole tech crew Join director, cast and the band in bidding you adieu Next year, we'll be returning, right after Groundhog Day Unless the world has trouble surviving Y2K FASS '99! It's closing time! Last call for applause. Please be gentle; please be kind FASS '99! Give us a sign! FASS '99! It's party time! Put away the costumes; breakout the beer and wine FASS '99! Come back some time! [ Top ] [ Index ]